The Wall - Jon's Lament

"You know nothing, Jon Snow." Yigrette
She would tell me many a time,
Then she betrayed me like I would never forget,
She did what she knew, I forgive her of her crime.

The wall it stands there,
Looming,
Just thick ice reflecting the sun's glare,
Throughout the North, where it is forever gloaming.

Shall we place the wall between us?
With you on the cold side
Me on the South side
It freezes our love and trust.

I was always true,
To my black brothers and to you.
Then there was that moment,
When I had to choose, and it was sealed in cmement.

I chose to forgive,
I chose mercy and honor,
For the old man to live,
We had him in a corner...

You killed the old man,
For what? He begged for mercy.
Then you shot me in the leg, woman!
I know all women are crazy...

You know nothing Jon Snow!
That's all you said,
South of the wall I knew all there is to know,
I loved you for more than just to take you to bed.

I knew we could have had a different life,
We could have started afresh,
Without sticking the man with the knife,
You went ahead and created a mess.

I know you would blame me,
Saying "you know nothing, Jon Snow",
I am not as naive as I seem to be,
You just didn't see the entirety of the show.

Now you are gone,
I shall miss you,
Remembering always all that was done,
However, everyday is begins anew.



For Jon Snow, of the Night's Watch, on the Wall...

Reject

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowded room
Everyone's laughing, talking, mingling,
The room is bright and yet you see only gloom
And in your ear the endless silence ringing.

Have you ever felt left out
Of a circle of smiling friends,
As they make plans without a doubt
Not inviting you, not even an apology to make amends.

Have you ever felt not good enough
Like you were not pretty, thin, or buff
That your friendship didn't count
They only wanted someone they could flaunt.

Have you ever felt hurt
More painful than the deepest cut,
When someone you love pushes you away
Even though they will need you once again, some day.

Have you ever felt abandoned
Not loved or cared for, instead only scorned,
Forgotten in lieu
Of someone new.

Have you ever felt replaced
When they replace you with another face,
What did your friendship mean
Or was this the worst yet to be seen.

Have you ever felt betrayed
Like what happened to Robb and Catelyn, at the hands of the Freys,
To be treated as family only to be stabbed in the back
Those types of people aren't worth jack.

Have you ever felt rejected
Like your own father won't accept you
Like Tyrion his who life, dejected,
Discriminated like a diseased ridden ewe.

It's good to know
These are just feelings
A chemical reaction that may pass.
It's sad to feel, however,
For these are people's feelings,
Of which we should be mindful of, or peace,
is the ultimate goal.



Breathe



Tribute to Tyrion and Penny.

House Cleaning

I cleaned up my facebook finally!
from a 1000 to 600 something...

Why did I have to "unfriend" so many?

There are people who I always reach out to but never reply, or there are people who are not that close to me, I haven't seen them in years, acquaintances etc. I didn't get rid of them entirely, they are all transferred to a different more professional profile (kinda working on somethings right now, and really need to go into myself, and share less, its a very personal thing). Really just sorting and finding who my true friends are, my friends who hang out with me, who are excited to be with me... There is such a difference, and I am here open to friendship, its all up to the other person.

What makes the other person a good friend?
1- honesty
2- communication
3- nurturing the friendship / making it grow
4- being truthful when feeling flaky about showing up, communication
5- being there when times are bad
6- being there when times are good
7- give and take, take and give
8- being genuine
9- humble
10- loyalty
....

There are so many things that make a good friend, and some people have said I am a difficult to be friends with cause of the high standards. Well I am an extremely empathetic (an empath), I am sensitive, so I need to surround myself with the best. To protect myself, my heart, and its hard to keep giving, I am not martyr.

People move on in life, and grow, make their own friends. It is understandable that some would not be able to or wish to stay in contact. I see no why they should linger on my personal page. I'm not in their lives, they aren't in my life. I think my sis did a sorting of a similar sort recently, and I have friends who have done the same. Although I say this, I often end up in one-way friendships, I let people do that to me, but I can't anymore.

I need to surround myself with people who are excited to be with me! Who want to hang out with me, who aren't using me, or I am just another picture on their facebook wall. I will not be that person anymore... I will not reach out and not get a reply for vast amounts of time...

I will not tolerate arrogance. Why is it that when some of my friends have received PhDs they began acting haughty, or in laymen's terms - they became total jerks. Isn't education supposed to better people? Why am I suddenly lesser, and not deserving of their respect? My father (an Indian man) always told me PhDs are always respected, and most respected. Do they always give respect though? You get respect if you give respect, not if you studied something for longer than another person. So you have some letters in front of your name, so you have another paper, so you spent more money to educate yourself, so you may earn more... so what? In the end "Winter IS Coming". In the end we are all but carbon molecules...

(that sure was a little rant).

I will be mindful to not become a jerk when I get more papers saying that I know "stuff", in the future. It is tough to be mindful, and it is always important to apologize to friends when you realize you have hurt them. I love the healthy communication, respect and love I have with some of my friends. Yes it's almost like an relationship. In fact it is. Maybe that's why people think being my friend is so demanding... what good is a friend who is not there for you when times are down, who won't go to watch movies with you, who lies to your face, who never stays in touch, who doesn't respect you or your feelings?

Yeah... surround yourself with Good people, Good friends... not Cool, but Good, and they will automatically be cool, cause you are cool. When you have a good friend, it won't even seem like so much work, because it will be so natural.

Breathe

biking with climbing friends.. ok climbing family!

fun time with friends!... family...

Alien Ware and Mom

My mom texts me this morning:

Mom- is alien ware a computer? wat is alien ware?
me- alien ware is a type/ brand of computer
mom- why does it look like a briefcase?
me- cause it's a fancy computer!

Then it struck me! A little too late: I should have said "it was a new technology found by the Mars Rover, ancient alien technology. Nasa found it and only the Men in Black carry it and use it to spy on humans and aliens alike!" She would have fallen for it!

 

 

My beautiful mother (and handsome father)... isn't it funny when the time comes where you know more than your parents?

 

Can You Take Criticism? Learn How to Handle it Gracefully...

This blog is a repost of an article I read and fell in love with. I just had to share it with my readers!

25 Reasons to Embrace Criticism

--by Lori Deschene


“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

At the end of the day, when I feel completely exhausted, oftentimes it has nothing to do with all the things I’ve done.

It’s not a consequence of juggling multiple responsibilities and projects. It’s not my body’s way of punishing me for becoming a late-life jogger after a period of cardiovascular laziness. It’s not even about getting too little sleep.

When I’m exhausted, you can be sure I’ve bent over backwards trying to win everyone’s approval. I’ve obsessed over what people think of me, I’ve assigned speculative and usually inaccurate meanings to feedback I’ve received, and I’ve lost myself in negative thoughts about criticism and its merit.

I work at minimizing this type of behavior—and I’ve had success for the most part—but admittedly it’s not easy.

I remember back in college, taking a summer acting class, when I actually made the people around me uncomfortable with my defensiveness. This one time, the teacher was giving me feedback after a scene in front of the whole class. She couldn’t get through a single sentence without me offering some type of argument.

After a couple minutes of verbal sparring, one of my peers actually said, “Stop talking. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

Looking back, I cut myself a little slack. You’re vulnerable in the spotlight and the student’s reaction was kind of harsh. But I know I needed to hear it. Because I was desperately afraid of being judged, I took everything, from everyone as condemnation.

I realize criticism doesn’t always come gently from someone legitimately trying to help. A lot of the feedback we receive is unsolicited and doesn’t come from teachers—or maybe all of it does.

We can’t control what other people will say to us, whether they’ll approve or form opinions and share them. But we can control how we internalize it, respond to it, and learn from it, and when we release it and move on.

If you’ve been having a hard time dealing with criticism lately, it may help to remember the following:

The Benefits of Criticism:

Personal Growth

1. Looking for seeds of truth in criticism encourages humility. It’s not easy to take an honest look at yourself and your weaknesses, but you can only grow if you’re willing to try.

2. Learning from criticism allows you to improve. Almost every critique gives you a tool to more effectively create the tomorrow you visualize.

3. Criticism opens you up to new perspectives and new ideas you may not have considered. Whenever someone challenges you, they help expand your thinking.

4. Your critics give you an opportunity to practice active listening. This means you resist the urge to analyze in your head, planning your rebuttal, and simply consider what the other person is saying.

5. You have the chance to practice forgiveness when you come up against harsh critics. Most of us carry around stress and frustration that we unintentionally misdirect from time to time.

Emotional Benefits

6. It’s helpful to learn how to sit with the discomfort of an initial emotional reaction instead of immediately acting or retaliating. All too often we want to do something with our feelings—generally not a great idea!

7. Criticism gives you the chance to foster problem solving skills, which isn’t always easy when you’re feeling sensitive, self-critical, or annoyed with your critic.

8. Receiving criticism that hits a sensitive spot helps you explore unresolved issues.Maybe you’re sensitive about your intelligence because you’re holding onto something someone said to you years ago—something you need to release.

9. Interpreting someone else’s feedback is an opportunity for rational thinking—sometimes, despite a negative tone, criticism is incredibly useful.

10. Criticism encourages you to question your instinctive associations and feelings; praise is good, criticism is bad. If we recondition ourselves to see things in less black and white terms, there’s no stop to how far we can go!

Improved Relationships

11. Criticism presents an opportunity to choose peace over conflict. Oftentimes, when criticized our instinct is to fight, creating unnecessary drama. The people around us generally want to help us, not judge us.

12. Fielding criticism well helps you mitigate the need to be right. Nothing closes an open mind like ego—bad for your personal growth, and damaging for relationships.

13. Your critics give you an opportunity to challenge any people-pleasing tendencies.Relationships based on a constant need for approval can be draining for everyone involved. It’s liberating to let people think whatever they want—they’re going to do it anyway.

14. Criticism gives you the chance to teach people how to treat you. If someone delivers it poorly, you can take this opportunity to tell them, “I think you make some valid points, but I would receive them better if you didn’t raise your voice.”

15. Certain pieces of criticism teach you not to sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter that your boyfriend thinks you load the dishwasher “wrong.”

Time Efficiency

16. The more time you spend dwelling about what someone said, the less time you have to do something with it.

17. If you improve how you operate after receiving criticism, this will save time and energy in the future. When you think about from that perspective—criticism as a time saver—it’s hard not to appreciate it!

18. Fostering the ability to let go of your feelings and thoughts about being critiqued can help you let go in other areas of your life. Letting go of worries, regrets, stresses, fears, and even positive feelings helps you root yourself in the present moment. Mindfulness is always the most efficient use of time.

19. Criticism reinforces the power of personal space. Taking 10 minutes to process your emotions, perhaps by writing in a journal, will ensure you respond well. And responding the well the first time prevents one critical comment from dominating your day.

20. In some cases, criticism teaches you how to interact with a person, if they’re negative or hostile, for example. Knowing this can save you a lot of time and stress in the future.

Self Confidence

21. Learning to receive false criticism—feedback that has no constructive value—without losing your confidence is a must if you want to do big things in life. The more attention your work receives, the more criticism you’ll have to field.

22. When someone criticizes you, it shines a light on your own insecurities. If you secretly agree that you’re lazy, you should get to the root of that. Why do you believe that—and what can you do about it?

23. Learning to move forward after criticism, even if you don’t feel incredibly confident, ensures no isolated comment prevents you from seizing your dreams.Think of it as separating the wheat from the chaff; takes what’s useful, leave the rest, and keep going!

24. When someone else appraises your harshly, you have an opportunity to monitor your internal self-talk. Research indicates up to 80% of our thoughts are negative. Take this opportunity to monitor and change your thought processes so you don’t drain and sabotage yourself!

25. Receiving feedback well reminds you it’s OK to have flaws—imperfection is part of being human. If you can admit weakness and work on them without getting down on yourself, you’ll experience far more happiness, peace, enjoyment, and success.

We are all perfectly imperfect, and other people may notice that from time to time. We may even notice in it each other.

Somehow accepting that is a huge weight off my mind.

Breathe!

and 

Live!

The Morbid, Morose and Macabre

Winter is Coming... with winter comes the long night especially in the north. Darkness, cold, oldness, shadows, illness and death. One never knows when that darkness will creep up on us. It's always there lurking, and sometimes the sunshine keeps it at bay, but even the sun can be dark. At times.

Recently, I witnessed the love of my life grow pale, and ill in the matter of minutes. He fell upon the floor retching, in pain. I was in a fright, my Ryan, helpless as much as I felt helpless. He recovered quickly a few hours and a day later. The darkness crept, but it was for someone else.

Monday afternoon, a day and a half later, my mother informed me via a text message that my great aunt (middle sister to my maternal grandmother) was in bad condition. I wrote about her in 2011, when I visited her during a business trip to Kolkata. What a woman she was before, how she suffered, and now she is gone. I should be happy she is free, but I mourn my own loss: who will cook for me? Who will make begun bhaja (fried eggplant) and roti (Indian bread) for me? Who will great me with excitement and a major hullabaloo?

I've never lost anyone so close, other than my doggies. Although she suffered seven years, this came as a shock. She was an amazing person, not a word of English but so warm at heart. She had no need or greed, but lived a simple satisfied life. People are what mattered. People and simple joys. Her cooking was exquisite, just like the rest on that side of the family. I can't imagine losing a sister. My sister spends time with my grandmom (dida) and she is shattered. Mejho Dida (my great aunt passed) proves that we are all we have... forget all the other useless material stuff on earth. We need to be good to each other, there for each other, we have time together and then we are gone. How will you spend your time? Are you grateful for the people in your life? The people who have touched your life? Say thanks now before they are gone. I wish I could have talked to her...

She was cremated last night, as the rains flooded the streets of Baranagar, Kolkata. It was a task, getting her to the crematorium, so I hear. For seven years she suffered, and now she was set free to peace, in the rains. Today it rains here so heavily. Does the earth reciprocate our tears? Wishful thinking, but rather blissful... the stormy sky looming, the thunder, the grey gloomy clouds blotching out the sun: it feeds this morose feeling. I add the Requiem Mass in D minor by W. Amadeus M. to breed the melancholy even further. To the tipping point, that I celebrate her life and death in the music, and weather nature has provided. I embrace it as a part of life. I relinquish my needs, my selfishness, and let go. I meditate upon it all: emotions, happenings, family, relationships, memories, illness, health, life and death.

Loss could happen, anytime to anyone anywhere. We can never protect ourselves from it. The impermanence of life: it is but as fleeting as a butterfly's beat of a wing. And we think they have short lives. Best we prepare ourselves earlier on, by remembering impermanence. Remembering to stay compassionate and loving, cherishing our bonds of attachments, that are impermanent, nevertheless remaining grateful.

The sweet baby birds do grow up to become cold blooded killers of innocent earth worms... then we reach the Sanctus: Benedictus and the Agnus Dei, and we see the glory, peace, mercy and acceptance. The sun peeps out. Life goes on. Learning to absorb, embrace and accept the macabre, the morbid aspects of life. The roses do wither and die. Breathe.



Sometimes, though, Breathing is just not enough.

So live!
 
and Breathe... mindfully so.

The storm approaches

some enjoy the rain

darkness falls

storms even engulf royal palaces

others are carried away by the rains...

Trip to NYC in July

  It was Thursday25th July night, and I realized as I looked at my friend Nikki's (AKA AT trail name Argo) pictures on her FB page, about how she had just crossed the Delaware Water Gap, on her journey through hiking the Appalachian Trail. I would be driving through the Delaware Water Gap on the 26th. IF only we had planned it better I might have met her at the Gap. I felt sad I wouldn't be able to meet up with her on the trail, since my time off from work is limited, and coordinating such a thing was difficult. I resigned and decided that I should accept this. It would be ok. Nikki would be fine, and she would still be my friend, my sister...

The next day, I decided to message her and send her some love because I had come to accept the reality. So I just sent her a message saying -  I love you Nikki Sis! She messaged me back - How is you summer my Indian Goddess! So I began to tell her some story, or the other, and said I wish I was hiking with her. From her reply I gathered many people were finding it hard to coordinate time to hike with her. We began planning future trips, and I happened to mention I was going to NYC that very day. 

Me- going to NYC this weekend how far have u gone from the delaware gap?

Nikki-I'm in newyork... I can see the NYC skyline from where I am!

Lots of hikers taking buses into the city for a few days lol

Me-WHAT!

omg ill be in new york this weekend!

could we meet up?

At that moment I was called into a meeting. I was crunched for time to get work done, before I had to leave, and this meeting was over, but people tend to go over points over and over again. I had to leave work at 12:00 so I could go home and leave to pick up Ryan and head on our way to NYC. It's an 8 hour drive!

Finally when I got out of the meeting I see a missed call, a text message and another instant message all from Nikki. 

Nikki- Lol um maybe... Are you staying with your sister?

Give me a call, I can take an hour and a half bus ride and I'd be there!

I can leave out of Warwick NY

Me-Nikki I was in a meeting!

YES!

We will be staying at my grandparent's place! Or there is also my sister's place!

Nikki- Lol omg would they let a hiker sleep on their floor?

Me- we're all going to sleep on the floor

my sis, me, ryan, my sis' fiance and my mom!

Nikki- Omg this is crazy
Should I ask your mom if this is ok lol

Me-my mom would LOVE to see you

Nikki- I can't stop giggling!
When are you guys getting there ?

Me- we would get there at 9pm tonight

but u cud get there before

you will love my grandmother

Nikki- Just called Paul and told him... He was like ' good luck' what are you going to do there... And I said eat amazing food and be with amazing people

...

We finally met, hugged, and there was giggles and tears all at once! We knew this trip was meant to be... Somehow things had worked out even though I had accepted the bitter truth... but it happened!!! I met her near the trail, and we hiked, explored, bonded and had fun. Not just Nikki and I but the whole lot of us. The three sisters, the mothers, the lovers, the friends... 

What a whirlwind of a weekend we had! We met up with my sister, my sister took us to some cool places, Strawberry Fields, the Mind Tree, where we did a little yoga, Tomlin Square to listen to cool yoga teacher who played Rumba music in the park! We met a few more of her artist friends! Then we went to a cozy - cool bar which had grapes growing atop it and celebrated my sister's birthday. We met her wonderful friend Aric and took cool pictures. We had a wonderful dinner with our family, hit up a bar my uncle went to when he was in college. We even briefly met my cousins Atanu and Antara the next morning, and got a little bit of shopping in! Oh to experience the New York Minute with this crazy lot: Ryan, My sister and her Fiance the amazing artist Chris, My other sister Nikki, Aric, My mom, grandparents, my Uncle and his Girlfriend! Wow!

At the Mind Tree

Yogis at central park!

The Family! a few people are missing!

Celebrating a Birth through Strenght, Support, Serenity and Sobirety

A note on facebook from my sister, rocked my world today:

"I've learned from friends posts that an actor from Glee (not a TV watcher so not familiar with the show) recently passed away of an overdose. Today I am celebrating two years of sobriety from the same substance this individual allegedly died from. It's a reminder of how scary this (addiction) can be. As i celebrate my spiritual evolution to sobriety, I'm sending loving light to those struggling whether they know it or not. Many prayers and overflowing gratitude.♥" --- Piyali

I learned so much from my sister, and am so grateful she had the strength, support, and serenity to get over her addiction. I have learned that sometimes we take life, health, our bodies, minds, emotions and each other for granted... Today as she celebrates 2 years, I celebrate being able to hug her, have her physically with me for 2 years! I also hope other people find help the way she did. Alcoholics Anonymous, and other Anonymous groups helped her out through this tough time when she was high risk. Her healing process began, healing from inside out, past to present... now she is stronger, and sober for 2 years! I find that amazing.

I remember at first it was very hard for her to tolerate people who drank, but slowly her tolerance has grown. It is difficult as drinking, smoking and other substances have become such a popular culture... you're not cool if you don't drink. However thanks to her, I realized you can be cool without ANY of that stuff. She is the funnest, coolest, loveliest person ever. She spins, poi, does body painting, paints murals, has amazing friends, the list goes on and on!

I love her and I love this sober, reborn Piyali... she inspires me, motivates me, and is my teacher in more ways than I could ever have imagined.


Breathe

Lessons in Friendship

I am lucky that I have an amazing friend who I can communicate openly too. Actually I have many amazing friends. I feel so blessed. My parents were my first friends, then my sister came along, and gosh was I so glad to have this companion who would grow with me, play with me, and love me because well she had no other choice. Then I began making my own friends... this was tough. I have learnt a lot along the way, and made some very special friends. There's been one special friend who I recently told her "Hey I want to let you know I consider you my best friend. And I worry you don't feel the same way about me. I love you immensely, respect, admire, and cherish your being..." I am glad to know she felt the same.

The key to our friendship is we communicate, share, trust and love deeply and truly. Friendship is as delicate as a rose bush, it requires nurturing, nourishment, care, love, and room to grow. It requires a lot of give and take, it's not a one way act. So both of us are gardeners, both of us are roses. So we talk about our feelings, our actions, the consequences of our actions on others and on each other, and eventually on ourselves. We try to be mindful, but every now and then, we slip. It's human to err, but divine to forgive, as a very famous saying goes. We err, we get hurt, we communicate, and then we forgive. Does anything get healthier than this?

We aren't perfect, there is always room for growth, improvements, and changes... change is the only constant, that is always changing as well. So we keep growing into this lovely friendship of ours. How are we able to be so good at this friendship? We respect each other, see each other as equals, we look up to each other, support each other, and are open and honest with each other. It is easier said than done, it means putting out ego aside, looking at what's deeper than just the mere facade on the outside. It also means becoming humble, and admitting to your mistakes, remember it takes two hands to clap, so there for always keep your side of the road clean. All this can be achieved through mindfulness, meditation, and keeping yourself in check.

Your good friends care about you. Other friends just want to have fun with you, but the good, true friends have fun with you, but also say... "Hey Pree, ok it's time to stop now and take some rest, although we know we could ALL party the night away, we have other responsibilities to take care of the next morning." So friends keep each other in check. Recently a friend stepped up out of nowhere to help me with my Facebook addiction: 2 "statuses" a day. 2 "likes" a day. Logging in only twice a day: once in the morning and once in the evening. She didn't say anything about comments on photos and other people's statuses, but i suppose that must be 2 a day too. The point was, not deleting it entirely, because otherwise I would come back and binge, but disciplining myself to use it less. She understood my problem: "we are CONDITIONED in today's society to respond to messages as soon as they appear. I am. It's my job to respond to messages and emails and voice-mails...so it's just another thing to respond to, Facebook!"

I have been criticized and made fun of by "friends" that I am on facebook too much, having a online problem, but when i try to delete it they say "oh we will miss you". So it becomes a social pressure thing - damned if you do, damned if you don't. We all have a variety of jobs, and the work places have different internet usage policies, ie. back when I used to play the MMO RPG "Lord of the Rings Online", some of my kin friends (online gamer friends in the game, who played and did quests with me) had jobs out in silicon valley programing code, but they could bring their personal laptop in and game on the side. It was even encouraged. They even had a xbox room! I guess they played so much it got boring. Like my friend who decided to help me out said "I totally understand. I sit in front of a computer all day long. It's more out of boredom most days that I end up checking it constantly, and because it's easy to log in and leave it open. Let's challenge ourselves. Let's do it together. I think we can!" So yes some friends realized my problem and were ok with me deleting it, some wanted me to stay on, some mocked me and my job, due to my facebook usage... but out of all the pain comes growth, and wisdom. I thank you all, and myself for this growth and my own understanding to grow from it (Ryan and my dad have been telling me for YEARS now... :-P sometimes it takes more support though).

My friends who mocked me could have been wrong and mean in doing so, however, without it would I have realized how bad my problem was? Am I going to criticize them about something they do wrong to defend my actions and my ego? Or should I just focus on me, my growth, the support I eventually got when I reached out in time of distress, and keeping my side of the road clean? Just things to think about, for me, for you. Healthy relationships and friendships start with you, and being mindful.

Which leads me to the "cool kids" or "good time charlie's" as I had once explained to me. We make a lot of compromises to ourselves and our lives, to be accepted by certain social groups. It is hard to stay true to yourself on occasion. There are always those people, or groups, you may be drawn to, but don't necessarily fit in with. It's always good to find the people who have the best interest for you in their hearts, not someone who makes you look cool on the exterior, just wants to have "big fun" with you. A friend recently told me that they were not up to big groups, but appreciated the on e on one time we shared together. I accept my friends for who they are, their preferences, and I don't feel I need to force them to have fun in large groups with me, but I will make time for them one on one, and maybe even help them get used to big groups, a little bit at a time. Even I have issues coping with big groups sometime. I have made the mistake of neglecting good friends for the "good time charlies" in the past. On the long run, I learned who mattered more to me, the hard way. Through the experience though I have learned who I can count on when I am hit rock bottom, when I am ill, when I am in that dark place of no return, when I am wasted and no one but they will look after me, when I am broke, when my life is changing dramatically, when I make life decisions to pursue a "'dream".... they are there for me, help me, support me, love me, and accept me, understand me... while the cool kids are out having fun. Let them have fun! But I will be there for the person who is there for me, when they are down... as they were there for me...In good times and bad, sickness and health, through love and war!

"Friendship is a gift we give ourselves." - Unknown

"A friend in need is a friend indeed." Aesop's Fables

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” CS Lewis

“Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”  Albert Camus

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” Elbert Hubbard

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” Bob Marley

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” Shakespeare

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.”  Hellen Keller

“What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.” Aristotle

“I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.”  John Katz

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.” Muhammad Ali

“Words are easy, like the wind; Faithful friends are hard to find.” Shakespeare

“Can miles truly separate you from friends... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?” Richard Bach

“Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.”  Richard Bach

“The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.” Richard Bach

“Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.”  Richard Bach

“Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.” Richard Bach

“We teach best what we most need to learn.” Richard Bach





Breathe

I forgot to mention, but animals are my friends too... they are beautiful people!

My lovely friend Shelby, and our friend Justin!

The Rape of Shakti

A sister passed away today. She was a survivor of a more than brutal crime against her body, her womanhood, her femininity, her shakti. She was assaulted, and raped, she eventually died from her injuries. This is not the first case. This is just the first outright case of violence against women.

If you do not know what happened, Google Delhi Gang Rape, for more details. The gist: A 23 year old medical student was leaving the movies with her male friend at around 9pm. She was brutally raped by seven men, and it included an iron rod, on a moving bus. He was beaten, and also tried to defend her. They were stripped of their clothes and thrown out of the bus. She survived for 10 days, with so many injuries, and only 5% of her intestines left...

Before I go on, a few women have ruined the case of rape/sexual harassment for the rest of us, by making false claims. Now this has become a common excuse now for the rapists/harassers. Every rape is now questioned for validity, legitimacy... This case was legitimate beyond a doubt, although politicians and such never seize to make outrageous comments.

I always find it strange that in a land that worships Durga, Kali, Laxshmi, Saraswathi, just a few of the powerful Goddesses worshiped in Hinduism, that so many women can be raped. What is it that makes a man do this despite, laws, police, government? I have known for ages, and only recently my eyes have realized that it was the society, the culture. It is not only in India, but in many countries, cultures, and societies.

As a teenager, in India, I was never seen as a "good girl", I always lived on the edge, sought out danger, adventure and never listened to my parents, typical rebellious teenager ... a guy I was dating, his mom forbid me to date him for I was not Indian enough. Another guy's mom said I was too modern. The fact that I dated openly and had guy friends was bad as it is. I got in trouble once with the vice principal for "boys" being an unsuitable hobby (apparently, if I remember correctly, I was caught talking in chapel to my best guy friend, who also got in trouble a lot for being a smart ass with everyone). So she called my mom to come in. My mom obliged, and the vice principal told her "what do you think of your daughter having "boys" as her extracurricular activity?" My mom replied "P has many guy friends, and she is old enough to know what's good for her." Yes I wore jeans and other western clothes, liked hanging out with guys, I dated a few guys too, and liked going out a lot. There were rumours about me, as there maybe about any girl who is seen publicly holding a guy's hand.

I enjoyed dating guys, getting attention, the romance of it all, the fluttery feeling of "falling in love", heck! I was a youngen. I loved the magic I could share with a guy, I don't even know how to describe it, infatuation perhaps? I loved the feeling of being loved... So many reasons why young love is so lovely. However, it did come with many a heartbreak.

Somewhere along the line I began hanging out with some college girls, who introduced me to some of their male friends. We went to the disco many times. Most of the girls my age went to discos (Kids were allowed in on weekends). One night one of the older guys, who I had gotten close to, took advantage of me, while I was under the influence. My naivete got the better of me, and I had no idea what constituted rape, at the time. I thought rape was only when a man beat the women, and he was unknown to her. After a few months I finally told someone that I thought I had been raped by this man. I was blamed for it... I shouldn't have gone to the club. I shouldn't have been drinking (although I had no idea there was alcohol in the "Pepsi"). In the end, we did press charges, I don't think the case went anywhere because someone paid someone else off to have the charges dropped. So was it rape? Not according to the law. It was on me. Yes I shouldn't have done a lot of things. I was to blame.

I was a minor, I knew I did not want to have sex, but he raped me while I was drunk and I had no strength to defend myself, and saying "no" many times, obviously meant nothing or meant "yes" to him. He wasn't brutal, but it was still forceful. I may have liked him as a person, but it didn't mean I wanted to have sex. It did turn out that I wasn't his first or last victim. There were many girls, younger than me, older than me. He never got into trouble for he was rich and married. No rich, married business man can ever do any wrong. My virginity was taken from me that night. Will I ever get it back? No! My first time ever having sex, was very awful, I will never be able to undo those memories. At least I have my life, and health and body. It could have been worse. I feel deeply for that dear girl, it could have been me; but we have survived.

I went through major therapy, psychologists, counselors, and a lot of growing up really quickly. However, the general attitude always was- don't drink, don't go to clubs/discos, and stay away from guys. I was a modern / western girl living in India. I felt like I was such a scar to my family. Even "friends" would kind of say, that I pretty much did it to myself. These friends told friends, and I am sure there were awful rumours about me! I know they did. I shaved my hair off in 12th grade. I didn't want to be pretty anymore. I thought it would make me invisible; I remember girls being nasty to me before, maybe they would stop. They all thought I was a "slut", and they didn't have the best intentions I thought, for I heard rumours of what they talked about me. Now they all thought "wow she really is damaged. Something is wrong with her." Every now and then someone would reach out a "friendly" hand, but it was always hard to know if it was genuine, or a ploy to get information. I don't think the closest of my friends knew, and if they did, they doubted me. I doubted me. I was 16!

I traveled to USA to start college and a new life! I went to a conservative christian college, instead of going to one in New York, because my family decided it would be safer. In New York, I risked getting into drugs, pregnancy etc. The Midwest would be safer. So here I am... everything was going well, and then one night at a party on campus, I got drunk (maybe New York wasn't such a bad idea after all). My friend let me pass out on his couch. When I came to, a guy was on top of me. I was so drunk off of tequila shots, I could not even protect myself. Finally I got strength to push him off, and I ran away. My memories are still fuzzy from that night. I kept it all to myself, once again I did not know if this was rape! No one tells us young girls WHAT IS RAPE. It is such a difficult subject to talk about to young women. All of us think, it will never happen to me. It festered in me for a long time, and I messed up. Again it was my fault for going to the party. It was my fault for drinking too much. It was my fault.

The dean called me, since it affected my studies and my behavior, and asked me what was wrong. I kind of told him since I knew I was wrong for having been drinking on campus. I was more scared of being punished for that. I did what any good Christian would do, forgive the "rapist", it felt more appropriate than having him expelled. Besides it was my own folly. Although it did turn out he was an obsessive, stalker, and creep. It was still my fault. I didn't learn from the first time. I shouldn't have been drinking, I shouldn't have gone to a friend's party. These things are just not safe for anyone. Although I have been to parties where my female friends do get drunk, there are boys around, and we take care of each other. My friend took care of me, but had no idea what his room mate was. Anyway my young self got me in such a mess, and I landed up having to see a therapist again, doing community service, and going to a class for being on academic probation. I just couldn't tell the authorities his name for I thought it WAS indeed MY FAULT, and he didn't need his whole life ruined by me having him expelled. I look back, and realize I wouldn't be here writing this if all this didn't happen the way it did. I was 19, and now I am almost 30... if I knew what I know now about being a woman, things would be different. I am not the only one, there are so many other girls, sisters, survivors like me, who just did not know what to do, and for years they blamed themselves.

My own sister was raped, here in the US, brutally, with a gun to her head. When appearing in court, everyone advised my sister to dress modestly. She would dress formally in a suite, but she did have "high lights" in her hair. Some people thought this would reflect badly on her. Why should she undo her high lights, you ask... because girls who have blonde high lights are usually more partying type I suppose? Anyway he got off not guilty, because he did not take the stand, and therefor his priors were not brought up. My sister lost the case not solely due to her appearance, but for other reasons too. However the defense brought up her appearance as a reason why she was likely raped, as if tempting men, lying to parents, smoking weed all means you deserve to be raped, or that you could be lying about being raped. Luckily because this guy tried to kill one of his baby mamma's baby while it was still in her, he is now on death row. Justice however was not served in the case of my sister, not directly at least.

My sister's case was more brutal than mine, but rape is rape. The med student raped in Delhi, India, was more than brutally raped, it is still rape. She survived, and fought till her last breath. We are survivors, not victims. Did we deserve it? NO! Was a crime committed against us? Yes. Will we get justice- Maybe. But we are survivors. We grew stronger and now we know what we can do to help change things. 

I grew up with the ideas and these are the thoughts WE NEED to change:

- if you are dress skanky/slutty you probably deserve something bad happening to you

- it is usually your fault for leading him on

- drinking is bad, if you are drunk and something bad happens to you it is your fault

- pretty girls are more likely to be raped

- rape is only when the person is unknown, and there is tearing of clothes and utter brutality

- sexual harassment is only when things get physical

- if a girl hits or wrongs a guy she deserves to be raped

- if she was a bad person she deserves to be raped

- its ok to rape a girl who sleeps around with guys

- its ok to rape a stripper, prostitute because they sell it anyway right?

- a girl who is raped is damaged goods

- a girl who is raped is outcast

- girls should not go out late at night

- cleavage = rape

- shorts = rape

- one can rape a cousin, neice because they are related

- if a girl is passed out from alcohol, drugs/ fainted/unconscious it is ok to have sex with her

- if you are a wife or girlfriend of a person he may force himself on you

- when a women says no, she actually means yes

- if girls dress provocatively they probably want to have sex and be raped

- its ok to rape people of a certain race/ nationality/ religion

- its ok to rape lesbians / gay men

- its ok to rape a girl who has already had sex

- it is ok to rape a girl who has been raped

- sinners deserve to be raped

- if you are raped God probably is making it happen

- rape and other bad things happen because of karma

- forcing oral sex, or other things is not rape

- rape is only when the women is beaten

- it is not legitimate rape when the women gets pregnant

- women can not get pregnant from rape

- women mostly lie about rape

- its ok rape women when we are at war with their country

...

It goes ON!

Is it really our fault? Is brutal rape more "real" of a rape than party rape? Is molestation less of a crime than brutal rape? Really why do we accept ANY of these? In India getting felt up in a bus, or while shopping at New Market was tolerated, put up with... it was just what happened. Why should we, as respectable women, no matter what our life story, no matter if we are a princess, nun or a stripper, have to put up with this abuse? It's not just in India. It's not that one country's laws is better than another... its the attitude we all have in general toward women. The worst is women judging women.

We need to change the way we think, our attitudes, our beliefs, our laws, our standards for human rights. We need to reverse these ideas, for they are all archaic.
How: Just starting from "Oh my, Leanne is dressed in such a short skirt! What a slut!" We can stop that thought right there! Because that's the thinking, the judging of who deserves what that's the birth right there. If Leanne did get raped, would you think? "Oh that's not surprising, she shouldn't have dressed like that! She was asking for it." The thought should have been "She didn't deserve it."

Instead of thinking: Yeah girls who go clubbing and dress in those skimpy clothes , are sure asking for trouble. 

Think: Wow I am glad she has the confidence to go out in public like that!

Instead of: What did she expect she was getting drunk at a bar...

Think: Maybe if some real men stood up for her and helped her home.

So many such instances occur. We make comments. We have these ideas, and its not just us, but the law makers, the police, the rapists themselves... they use the same thoughts we do. We can not prevent every single rape, we can not change everyone, but we, as individuals, can be more mindful, conscious, and create awareness; tell your daughters, sisters, nieces... and help educate your sons, grandsons, nephews, brothers of how women should be treated equally, respected. Truly, ask yourselves what you believe/think and feel. It starts with you, You and I are society, are the culture, are the attitude. As we change, slowly but surely our policies and laws, on rape and other crimes against women/children, will change.

During this past election we heard some outrageous comments by members of the GOP on rape, and women. This archaic ideology and thinking exists here in the USA, today, and among many many people, not the majority luckily. The fact that it does exist though, is scary enough. Can we really blame India for being like this though? When so many people in this very great nation think the same way as many Indian men, think/behave? If your read a few blogs back, my sister shares her story, her very methodical analysis of how even four years ago we knew there was something wrong with this nations approach to women.

I am trying to figure out how to start this process of changing how we think. I think through Conscious Culture, and other means I can help. I also want to point out abuse and rape does not start and end there, molesting, groping women and children are also as bad. We need to definitley educate children from a young age so they can be aware and know. A child can not tell if they are just being adored by their uncle, or being molested. Also out of fear or respect they may never say anything. We have to start somewhere. I know I will start somehow and somewhere and I welcome ideas, and helping hands who would like to join. Although I feel my rape case was not legitimized by the law of the various lands, I still feel like my words, my story counts. I can help, I can make a difference. We need to keep passing the torch.

Ok I need to let this rest for tonight.

Until then...

Shakti in all her forms elegant, powerfule and terrible... none of them deserve this rape.

So let Shakti rise, and awaken, and her light shine on all to see... heal the survivors, and heal those who attack her. For this rape and rampage has to come to an end.

Breathe.

I finally feel okay sharing my story, and I am not looking for sympathy, but instead help everyone realize that we are all survivors, and more women should help share their stories to help spread awareness. So that we all realize that society, culture, policies and attitudes have to change.

Let's do this!

PS:

So apparently my story is not unusual... college girls get drunk at parties and get taken advantage of... should it be accepted? Should we just not go to clubbing, because it is just putting yourself out there at risk? Should we even go to the movies? Once we stop doing things because of safety, and accept that certain things aren't safe for women? Should we live in a bubble? She we never go out, not work, not go to college, not be near men? It's not just at clubs, it could be family, classmates or coworkers...

Or should we work on making this world a place where every place is safe for everyone except criminals? Of course not everyone will change, that would be too idealistic, however if majority changes, that would be enough. Respect; stricter laws on harassment, rape, abuse; we don't want to take advantage of the system we just want to protect our bodies; education; more research on rape victims, on why rape happens; teaching our children early...



I just found this amazing article. do check it out.