Reject

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowded room
Everyone's laughing, talking, mingling,
The room is bright and yet you see only gloom
And in your ear the endless silence ringing.

Have you ever felt left out
Of a circle of smiling friends,
As they make plans without a doubt
Not inviting you, not even an apology to make amends.

Have you ever felt not good enough
Like you were not pretty, thin, or buff
That your friendship didn't count
They only wanted someone they could flaunt.

Have you ever felt hurt
More painful than the deepest cut,
When someone you love pushes you away
Even though they will need you once again, some day.

Have you ever felt abandoned
Not loved or cared for, instead only scorned,
Forgotten in lieu
Of someone new.

Have you ever felt replaced
When they replace you with another face,
What did your friendship mean
Or was this the worst yet to be seen.

Have you ever felt betrayed
Like what happened to Robb and Catelyn, at the hands of the Freys,
To be treated as family only to be stabbed in the back
Those types of people aren't worth jack.

Have you ever felt rejected
Like your own father won't accept you
Like Tyrion his who life, dejected,
Discriminated like a diseased ridden ewe.

It's good to know
These are just feelings
A chemical reaction that may pass.
It's sad to feel, however,
For these are people's feelings,
Of which we should be mindful of, or peace,
is the ultimate goal.



Breathe



Tribute to Tyrion and Penny.

Bicycles, Accidents, and Meditation

IIt has been over three years since my bicycling accident in 2009 (read about it here), and I had no idea how much it still affected me.
I took up riding again, well even looking at my bicycle a little less than a year, after it happened. It took a lot of courage to start riding again by pedaling down the drive way. Since then I had biked only on the sidewalk or the Towpath trail, and most of it was flat or very gently sloping... never any paved area like those hills.

This past weekend, Ryan and I decided to explore the All Purpose Trail, that runs through, connecting all the Cleveland Metroparks. This is the "Emerald Necklace" of Cleveland; we were at the Redford Reservation of the Necklace. We had never biked here before, the only one we have biked is Hinckley, and the Towpath part of Brecksville. Both are very mild when it comes to hills. We began at Hawthorne Parkway and Richmond Road, and biked West towards the main reservation.

We biked the eastern portion of the Bedford Reservation, which was mostly flat, and ever so slightly sloped, enough to get that little uphill workout; entering the main reservation with a sharp turn to the right, and the trail here is all shady! The trail here was a bit more hilly. With wide curves that hugged the road.

When we finally neared the "Bridal Veil Falls" parking lot, I had a panic attack going down the hill. The hill here is steeper than the previous ones with a sharp curve almost. The trail touches the road here. Ofcourse the hill is steep here, this is where the river cut through the land. I didn't peddle, and the bike sped up, building up momentum. I checked my speedometer, it read 23 mph, the trail and the road were one at this area, and the cars were flying past. The situation made me recall that day, the feelings right before the crash, I stopped midway up the second hill, and began dry heaving as nausea and something ugly tied my stomach up in knots. I kind of froze, and could not stop tears from running down my face. I walked the rest of the way up, as Ryan had already reached the top of the hill, using the momentum from the ride down to get easily up the other side.

I couldn't ride anymore. I was having a hard time breathing, like asthma but something else was crushing my chest. I don't want to remember that moment, cause it was like utter fear had clutched me... and it was JUST A HILL. The accident back then in 2009 was funny now, so WHY was I so afraid?

Ryan talked me back on my bike, and helped me calm down. We decided to turn around, for we had 5 or 6 miles back to the car. So I took the ride down the hill slow, and by the time I was half way up the crest of the next hill I threw up. Ryan says it was like out of a movie... I threw up as I halted. I can see it being funny, but my lungs, my muscles and my mind were still writhing in fear. I felt sick. Ryan made me drink some water. He talked me somehow on to my bike again - reasoning, logic, calming me, going over a strategy to get over and around the fear. Whatever he said helped, and we biked a few hills, and went down a few, until we came to a place where there were monkey bars. I love monkey bars, so we did a few rounds of them.

While swinging, and moving across the monkey bars using only my arms, I remembered why I loved to climb. I also realized what I needed to do to get over this residual stress caused by the traumatic accident (also known as PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome): Meditate on it. I got over my fear of heights by climbing, meditating on it and taking it slow. However biking, can't really take it slow, so I have to meditate on speed and control.

Ever since the accident I've been less sure on my bike, more shaky and full of self doubt. I was much better before, and I am getting better. Practice, meditation, and whatever other therapy it takes others to over come it, how can I forget, a little help from Ryan! This is something I must work on if my far fetched dreams are ever to be achieved. Which got me thinking is there any therapy for recovering bikers? There has to be since biking as an activity has increased over the last 10 years.

I've loved biking since childhood, it was always an integral part our daily activities for my sister and I. I was not and am not willing to give it up on account of an accident. Although before I was less inclined to wear helmet, and other protection, now I realize how a camelbak - back-pack and bladder can protect the spine, and those silly looking helmets can save my life. I hope to make more memories on my bicycle, as I remind myself with memories of how awesome bicycle has been throughout my life!


Breathe!

and meditate!

Tranquil Turmoil

I want to be happy -
I smile.

I feel the pain, I feel sadness-
Sorrow

You guide me through life -
I follow.

Blind leading the blind
You are only trying to be kind
Do me a favor, Leave me alone
I will surely find my own way...

...One day,
Might not be today.

I have nothing else to say.


I want to be free-
Be free.

I feel constrained-
Society.

I resent, repent, remorse, remember-
the past.

You think you know me
Do you even know you?
Do me a favor, leave me alone
I will find me, Go find you...

...One day,
Might not be today.
I have nothing else to say.

The darkness envelopes me-
Acceptance.

The light will shine once again-
Anticipation..

Lose the complacency, shed the passivity-
Fight.

It's my life and I will do as I please
We don't have to go separate ways but

Do me a favor, leave me alone
We can agree to disagree and be at peace...

...One day,
Might not be today.
I have nothing else to say.

Copyright Conscious Culture

Copyright Conscious Culture
By Piyali Banerjie
"Raise your vibration"

Utterly Grateful

I had a breakdown recently, while talking to my sister on the phone. We live, make mistakes, worry and learn. This time I lost my handle on my stress management. My sister has been helping me, although younger, she does have some sweet sort of wisdom and understanding in her, a simplistic approach to solving problems and dealing with people, attitudes and relationships. With her help and the support of my loved ones i am able to cope, and get back on track.

In the process my sister got me to join her "gratitude list" where we all list what we are grateful for each day. This is just my list from today:

Today I am Grateful for:

My Life
The ability to analyze
Ability to prioritize
Ability to bare great responsibility for so many, yet so few...
Stress for it keeps me on my toes and reminds me to want to eventually achieve homeostasis
The actions of others that lead me to be wiser yet guarded

My sister for letting me share my joys and sorrows ... for being my light in the night, yet shinning just right!

Health and my ability to take control and make myself well

My friends that support me and are reliable (Shelby, Anna, Ryan, Rohitesh, Deana, Keith, Mun, Becks, Mandy...)

My humble abode that truly serves as my melting ground

The extensive support and encouragement I get from my parents, uncle, sister

My wonderful boyfriend for being loving, understanding, helpful but most of all being such a solace and supportive

Alice for sending me sweet emails
Lingling for the Chinese green tea
Abby for protecting me from the big bad wolves, and teaching me
Delbert for being such an awesome plant manager and working with me
Team Work
Cooperation
Motivated attitudes from fellow employees
Singing to people on their voice-mails
Letting go!

This gratitude list for helping me count my blessings even though it seems so dark for so long. I see the light in my life, and nurture the tiny flame!