Her Suffering... Hurts Like Heaven

They say, "if you give a lot of love, you receive twice as much in return." Or something of the sort. So do love effortlessly and selfless-ly.

She lies there on a cot (wooden bed frame), looking at me through such sad eyes. She lets out a wail of distress, and I feel my face go from a smile to utter horror, and sorrow. There is so much pain in the wail. She writhes about on the wooden surface which is covered in plastic, in distress. Her face contorts, she opens her mouth to attempt to talk, but nothing comes out. Then she cries out; The loud moan is unbearable, and makes me want to cry. Only her eyes are steadfast, and grave with unrest and discomfort. So much pain.
Physical, and that of the heart.
Her eyes speak to me, over all the chatter. I try to smile, but my heart is bleeding.

It is like she is trapped inside her own mind and body. Her body wont work, wont talk, but she speaks with her eyes, and exudes love.

Memories of when she was totally contrary to what she is now: bubbly, active, loving, mobile, chattering with the birds!
I remember how she would take such good care of me, always be utterly positive, and never say a mean word about anyone...
Why?
How?
When?
These things we will never know... but I know who she is deep down inside, and love her to death. I can't be happy for how she is right now. I can't stand to see her in this state of anguish, I hope she is freed from it soon.
This has wieghed so heavily on my heart and mind since I visited her. They take good care of her, but the thing is they don't know why she is in this condition... a stroke perhaps? parkinsons? That is what they are treating her for, but it isnt helping. There is only so much one can do for her at this point. I feel helpless and wish she was well again. I wish she was her same bubbly, active self.
Made me realize we have to be grateful, take care and maintain our good health. We can make the change by taking care of ourselves, not being paranoid about silly stuff, but feeding ourselves good foods, hydrating, exercising... I am also glad for this catharsis, I held it in thus long. I wish I could talk to her, but it is so hard to do... I would sing her the song true colors... cause I know she is still in there.

So true colors goes out to my Mejho Dida (my great middle aunt)

You with the sad eyes,
don't be discouraged,
though I realize
its hard to take courage,
in a world full of people,
you can lose sight of it all,
and the darkness, inside you
makes you feel so small.

But I see your true colors
shining through,
I see your true colors, that's why I love you,
and don't be afraid to let them show... your true colors... are beautiful like a rainbow.

Show me a smile then,
don't be unhappy, don't remember when
I last saw you laughing.
If this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear,
just call me up cause you know I'll be there.

I see your true colors
shining through,
I see your true colors, that's why I love you,
and don't be afraid to let them show... your true colors... are beautiful like a rainbow.

I will always remember you the way you were at heart.
I will always remember your loveliness.



Breathe.