Her Suffering... Hurts Like Heaven

They say, "if you give a lot of love, you receive twice as much in return." Or something of the sort. So do love effortlessly and selfless-ly.

She lies there on a cot (wooden bed frame), looking at me through such sad eyes. She lets out a wail of distress, and I feel my face go from a smile to utter horror, and sorrow. There is so much pain in the wail. She writhes about on the wooden surface which is covered in plastic, in distress. Her face contorts, she opens her mouth to attempt to talk, but nothing comes out. Then she cries out; The loud moan is unbearable, and makes me want to cry. Only her eyes are steadfast, and grave with unrest and discomfort. So much pain.
Physical, and that of the heart.
Her eyes speak to me, over all the chatter. I try to smile, but my heart is bleeding.

It is like she is trapped inside her own mind and body. Her body wont work, wont talk, but she speaks with her eyes, and exudes love.

Memories of when she was totally contrary to what she is now: bubbly, active, loving, mobile, chattering with the birds!
I remember how she would take such good care of me, always be utterly positive, and never say a mean word about anyone...
Why?
How?
When?
These things we will never know... but I know who she is deep down inside, and love her to death. I can't be happy for how she is right now. I can't stand to see her in this state of anguish, I hope she is freed from it soon.
This has wieghed so heavily on my heart and mind since I visited her. They take good care of her, but the thing is they don't know why she is in this condition... a stroke perhaps? parkinsons? That is what they are treating her for, but it isnt helping. There is only so much one can do for her at this point. I feel helpless and wish she was well again. I wish she was her same bubbly, active self.
Made me realize we have to be grateful, take care and maintain our good health. We can make the change by taking care of ourselves, not being paranoid about silly stuff, but feeding ourselves good foods, hydrating, exercising... I am also glad for this catharsis, I held it in thus long. I wish I could talk to her, but it is so hard to do... I would sing her the song true colors... cause I know she is still in there.

So true colors goes out to my Mejho Dida (my great middle aunt)

You with the sad eyes,
don't be discouraged,
though I realize
its hard to take courage,
in a world full of people,
you can lose sight of it all,
and the darkness, inside you
makes you feel so small.

But I see your true colors
shining through,
I see your true colors, that's why I love you,
and don't be afraid to let them show... your true colors... are beautiful like a rainbow.

Show me a smile then,
don't be unhappy, don't remember when
I last saw you laughing.
If this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear,
just call me up cause you know I'll be there.

I see your true colors
shining through,
I see your true colors, that's why I love you,
and don't be afraid to let them show... your true colors... are beautiful like a rainbow.

I will always remember you the way you were at heart.
I will always remember your loveliness.



Breathe.

Glimpses From A Rickshaw

I walked to the main road and caught a rickshaw... the bicyclist said he would take me through the inner roads however, instead of the main roads. I took this alternative mode of transportation cause the three taxis had all the excuses in the world not to drive at 9:00 am 1- car is broken, 2- jaboo na (wont go) 3- washing car.

The inner roads the rickshaw walla took were really gully-gully windy roads... suddenly there was a intersection and clearing, where there was a little vegetable market... right there in the middle of the road, in the middle of the little golf green area behind south city mall. There were people waking up, and showering, drinking their morning chai, and spitting. Honestly it was 9:30 by now and these people were still waking up! What a life!

Doggie was sleeping right at the edge of the road and the rickshaw wallah irritably said "aiy!" yet in a very laid back manner, so typical to Bengalis. Suddenly the a load but squeaky horn sounds behind us, and we give way to a little lorry that passes us, and kicks up immense amount of dhullo (dust). I cough. The rickshaw wallah pedals on.

We pass a man slowly opening his store, the sound of shaankh baajna (conch shell or "shankar dhoni") shokal balai (morning time); there are men sitting and staring into space, minds still foggy, sipping on hot chai in little clay cups... a man at a corner enjoys a biddi while sipping on chai. This was the morning scene.

Once at south city there was a lot of rush, and people trying to catch any mode of transportation (this was near lord's er moor - lord's junction). A crow shat on my head, while I was trying to hail down a cab. My friend texted saying I was now blessed with good luck. Stinky good luck and still no cab.Finally I got a cab, who reluctantly took me where I wanted to go.

On the way back, my friend accompanied me till Golpark (round park, a circle and major junction). Then I got off at South city mall so I could get a book at a store there, since the book I had bought previously off the street vendor, was OK for the most part, but a few important pages were blank! Acquired the book and a few more hindi movies, and I was able to get a rickshaw guy right at the mouth of South City Mall. I told him "please take me to golf green", but he had no idea of where golf green was (how strange). So I said, "behind the TV towers", then he understood. So of we went down Uday Shankar Sarani (which is adjacent to Prince Anwar Shah Road). So this Doordarshan ("seen from afar" tv station) Bangla main station is there. On that road, a guy was washing the car, a two men working on a car, wearing lungi (cloth tied around the bottom areas) and ghamcha (cloth towel) on shoulder, another man was painting his shop, a dog was sitting and patiently awaiting scraps from a street side food stall, a couple was being annoyed by a person trying to sell stuff, another man was lecturing two other guys, probably giving them "gyan" (knowledge/edumacation)... So went the afternoon, so went the little snippets of south cal life from a rickshaw...

The City of Joy

Calcutta... the city of joy...

its definitely a tad bit dirtier than Delhi, it seems different than Delhi. A week here now, and I feel like I am getting more "Indian-ized"... my English is morphing, and my Bengali and Hindi are getting better. Haven't drank dabber jol yet (coconut water). Calcutta has changed, grown... for better or for worse? As all these cities have grown; grown outward and upward. Cars, People, boom!

Malls, Hotels, High rise apartments, now they want to introduce wal-mart? Hmm bad idea. I will miss the chai valla, the roadside bazaars etc. I guess everyone wants the same conveniences the west has, while the west is beginning to move towards organic farmers markets, etc. Crazy!

Calcutta! Surprised me by springing my teenage years on me. I met Rohitesh, my classmate from tenth standard, (grade 10) in Park Circus, it was a crazy taxi ride to get there. The taxi walla was on his cell phone, talking so loudly. Took me some long way, but apparently it was the right way, the traffic was ridiculous! Everyone thinks his/her car comes first, and they all do whatever they want! Who needs lanes, traffic laws, just do whatever you want!

Rohitesh and I visited the mural my sister painted on Roudon street, right next to the la martiniere girls main entrance. Then we parked and wandered around Park Street; hit new market and then went to the infamous Oly Pub. Never been there but heard about it ever since 11th standard when all the guys would head there. Dont know why I never went there before. Very rustic but awesome in its own way!

Then we headed to Swabhumi which is just outside Salt Lake. Here we found ourselves falling rapidly down the rabbit hole, a twilight zone... an inter-school dance fest... it was wow! All the kids were dressed up, and the choreography was MJ worthy and music mixing was pretty good too for younglings. It was like Indian GLEE!!!! I talked to some of the little girls, (they were 15 or 16 years old) they were so warm, enthusiastic, friendly and ridiculously energetic... not to mention innocent. I think I remember being that age, but it does seem out of reach. All of them so pretty and confident, it was so good to see them, so excited for all of them, and their futures! I hope WE as their leading generation can leave a better brighter cleaner world for them!

This made me happy, and truly it is the city of joy.

Took some lovely pictures, will add them soon.

*hugs*

*Breathe!*

Delhi

14 hours straight from Newark to Delhi... didn't get a wink of sleep, because the Bangali Babu (not my dad) next to me, kept whacking me with his elbow. I did watch a bunch of movies... two were really good "The Help" and "Life in a Day"... recommend both.
Anyhow can't sleep now, feeling under the weather, and we are staying at a hotel in Delhi... "The Emarald".
I would recommend it, cause its near Connaught Place, but its right next to the railway station, and some other shenanigans. However the people are being rather uncouth and noisy, really though why can't people be considerate? Is it just India? Need to be more observant.
Anyhow, my friend Romit picked me up from the airport, and ended up going to see the India Gate that night, and eating ice cream!

Then the next day we went to the "Parantha Valle Gully" and then to Red Fort. It was wonderful. That night we went to Nizamuddin and ate at Karim's. I met a goat who was rather large and friendly, and apparently a pet.
Sayan bought a nice coat. Also saw the inauguration of an art museum "Kiran Nader's _____ Museum". This was a live art piece that opened the museum up. It was interesting and reminiscent of my KFI days!

Day three I had a rental car, with tourist sign on it, and started with the Qutumbinar and Humayun's Tomb, both which I did not get to enjoy as much because - well they guessed I was foreign and made me pay foreigner's price of Rupees 250, instead of Indian ticket price of Rupees 10. Also there were like 10 schools visiting each location, and the kids were like the stampeding creatures that trampled Mufasa in the Lion King. Ok they weren't that bad, but you know kids! The next stop was Purane Kela, which was quiet and gorgeous and packed with lovers, who were obviously bunking work/school/college. Last but not least I went to Deer Park, which was also lovely, green, and quiet. Peace Peace Peace.
It was 3, and I had not had lunch, so driver took me to the mall, where I went to "Big Chill". This place was playing all the coldplay songs, and it was like a wanna be applebees, with more interesting food! The fresh juices is the best drink in Delhi! Untainted juice, freshly squeezed from fruit, right then and there, and no sugar added... pure bliss ya'll! Healthiest drinks ever! Yes I had pomegranate, orange, watermelon, and can't wait to drink more!

Got home (to Romit and Sayan's apartment) and soon Romit was home too, then we went to eat Dosa at a near by place, we got juice after that!

Day four - rested, watched Hindi movies. Evening - we went to Delhi Haat, and there were some cool programs like the East Indian Art of Cutting Cucumbers (while eyes are blindfolded). It was lovely yet scary. And some Bharatnatyam dancing. Then we ate - Bhel Puri, Papdi Chaat, Channa Batura, Maach Bhaaja and Chai. Later the guys helped me check in to the hotel, and we hit CP (Connaught Place) for dinner, although I had already eaten so much and felt like a pregnant horse. We ate at Zen (yes it was Indian Chinese Food). The guys met Babi (my dad) and then we parted. Miss hanging out with them already.

Day five- business meeting and setting up the booth at pragati maidan for the LED expo. When we got there, they sent us from one gate to the other (Pragati Maidan is huge). Then we had to fight to get in to take our "Maal" (exhibition stuff) in. We got to our booth, and it was so dusty, there were paan stains on the bottom of one board, the ENTIRE exhibition hall was in a mess, chaos, last minute preparations. This is the India I remember from 10-15 years ago. So I was not impressed, and frankly the people handling the organization of the whole hullabaloo of an exhibition were very - un-precise, un-prompt, forgetful and just lacked professionalism due to the above reasons. By this time I was feeling very sick - Dust, Dust, Dust, and the night before it was cold when we walked around CP. So got home and here I am unable to sleep and writing! Hopefully tomorrow will be awesome!

Breathe! (actually breathing here is tough with all the dust... I shall wear a mask and breath!)

 Humayun's Tomb

Connaught Place, at night!

And yes I wore my Vibrams everywhere!!!!

Running the Right Way

So read this article recently and this is what i want to tell people getting into barefoot and vibram shoes running:

"simply putting something different on your feet doesn’t make you a gliding Tarahumara. The “one best way” isn’t about footwear. It’s about form. Learn to run gently, and you can wear anything. Fail to do so, and no shoe — or lack of shoe — will make a difference."

Barefoot shoes just re-teach you the right form/way. The article goes on to talk about how shoes have changed drastically since the 70s. Its amazing! Good read, good science, good unlearning and relearning!

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/06/magazine/running-christopher-mcdougall.html?_r=2

And I would encourage everyone to read it and run it... live it!

More Coming Soon!

Older Blog: http://evariyun.blogspot.com/2010/09/feeling-world-with-our-feet.html

thoughts - double standards and biases

One thing i dislike is double standards. On NPR today they were discussing about administering HPV vaccines to 11-12 year old girls and boys. Yes boys can get HPV too, and this can lead to various cancers, and HPS is contagious. However, this is what struck me, parents are easily accepting their 11 or 12 year old boys taking this vaccination which helps prevent against the sexually transmitted disease. For daughters, this is harder for parents.

It is easier for parents to accept their teenage boys are going to go out and have sex? The sooner a boy has sex, the sooner he becomes a man?
However when it comes to a teenage girl having sex, this is very undesirable, upsetting? If it's OK for the teenage boy to have sex, who is he going to have sex with?
It's OK for a man to be a player, and to be unmarried way into his 30s, but not for a woman. The double standards continue and woman are still stuck in the stereotype/gender role. A woman is never a player, she becomes a $%*#.
Maybe we need to step back and look at the gender roles/stereotypes we play, and how we can change these stereotypes that keep us locked in a role/behavior!


http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/11/07/142030282/why-hpv-vaccination-of-boys-may-be-easier

Second thought of the day:
The news is skewed and the perspectives all biased. However a youtube video speaks the truth? Candid cameras speak the truth? Hidden cameras are likely to be unbiased? Perhaps, to a point.
It is in my opinion, that these too can be skewed/filmed in such a way at times that it can be biased.
http://www.npr.org/2011/11/07/142016109/smile-youre-on-cop-camera
As we become a more digital age, it is good people get their "news" and information from more than ONE source (school/college/and what used to be the news in general - paper/radio/tv). This has helped broaden people's minds. Also its been feeding people a lot of crap (yes i used the word crap), because how many of these digital sources are legitimate? How can we trust scientists when politicians say that they are fabricating global warming data, and research on polar bears... Who do we trust? Who do we believe?
There is one thing i learnt from television ... Trust No One! (X-Files)

It is Marie Curie's birthday today!
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2011/11/07/marie-curie-honoured-with-birthday-google-doodle-115875-23544243/

Love and Hope

No matter what is going on in your life... always remember that people love and care for you, although they may not show it everyday. 
Hang in there and love yourself... its a universe of possibilities. 
Don't give up!

Be Still, Be Present

He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.

- Lao Tzu -

 

 

 

 

Picture Courtest Iloveclimbing@facebook - Dana Augustin playing with the block of La Grave La Meije FRANCE. Photo: Jerome Josserand

I am the 99%... We are the generation!

I look back and I see I have a lot of unpublished blogs from 2009-2010... most of them reflecting my angst about my applying for jobs... occupy movement would appreciate those blogs. it took them three years to organize, when I was so raw with emotion then. However I realize I made it happen for me (with a little support from my friends, and family). I fear its not only the government, Wall-street, the 1%, but also institutions, a generation of people - who sell the idea that "once you go through college you will have an awesome career". of course you have to get the formula right - grades, participation, leadership in college, internships, assistant-ships...

Today, things have changed. They do not follow this "formula" anymore, unless you are a doctor or engineer (these too, might change) but it seems to be back to those days where you have to fend for yourself, intelligence, commonsense, sharpness and HARD WORK are what counts. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes.

After graduating with my masters - i expected a GIS analyst job. That's what they told us - with a masters you should be able to get a GIS analyst job. Bachelor degree holders usually get a GIS tech job. This idea is fed to us, also this IS why we are going to school, to get the BETTER job. World changes, history catches up... we can blame whoever we want, the presidents in the past, Bush, Obama, 1%... In the end, life comes at you, and you make of it what you want.

What are you waiting for another day, another storm, another talk? Take action...(peaceful action please).
I went on my own path. The whole "path" for Pree has been very interesting so far. Who knows where it will lead next.
The occupy people, I don't disagree with them, because they sought action which they seemed will/might help them.

"Change does come from within, but the winds of change can be blown from many different directions"

"Be strong, Be precise, Be the Tiger"

"You are the Generation" - Mr. L. Hartnett

I became the tiger, I am strong, I am working on being a better me! If I can do it, you can too! We all fall, get hurt, but we get back up and kick @$$ harder, stronger and better!

image credits: http://img.ibtimes.com/www/data/images/full/2011/10/14/174091-occupy-wall-street-march.jpg


Breathe!

My Guardian Angels

Your head in my lap,
you breathe your last few breaths.
I say good bye,
as tears fall from my eyes.

Wish you didn't have to go,
I feel your pain, your parting sorrow.
We are attached so deeply,
I know somehow we will always be together.

I will miss your brown eyes,
Your strange voice, Which I got used to.
You nudging me for attention,
You cuddling up for sleep time.

I will miss you running around,
going crazy, doing silly things,
chasing squirrels, bumping into the door...
When you were sick, I took care of you and would do it all - all over again.

I will always pick dog's drool over cat's fur,
As strange as it sounds I will miss your drool and your longing looks for my food.
You could read my feelings,
From your eyes I knew your moods.

You were my loyal loyal furry friend,
We shared so much without words.
No one can ever replace you,
You were unique, you were my friend, protector, guardian, teacher, guide.
From you I had nothing to hide.

You are gone, but our deep connection will be held in my heart.
And I will always remember it, remember you.


My doggie guardian angels:
Chips, Butch, Twinkie, Orion, Draco, Brooklyn, Snoop, Piko ...

Infinite Purity

Om: Purnamadah Purnamidam
Purnat Purnamudacyate|
Purnasya Purnamadaya
Purnameva vasisyate||

Om: Shanthi Shanthi Shanthi||


"Baba has a unique twist on this standard interpretation. If you reflect on the symbol used to denote completeness, it would be a circle, no beginning, no end, a sybmol of wholeness. It is also the symbol for zero, or nothing. When you substitute nothing, let's see what happens.

That is nothing, this is nothing.
From nothing comes nothing.
When nothing (zero) is subtracted from nothing (zero),
What remains is nothing (zero).

The second line is the foundation of all science, without which Physics could not stand. The third and fourth lines are the foundation of math. :)"
---
Somik Raha

A Small Reminder

Thank you!

A friend reminding me of what I can endure, accomplish and plan to achieve.

"Look at this: You’ve bettered your relationship with dad, rock climbed, had multiple epiphanies, changed jobs, encouraged multiple people, etc. Need I say more….. All done within a few months."

From the "I can't" attitude... to the "I CAN"!!!

Let us make it "We Can"!!!!
and we will!

I may not be an over achiever, I do not claim to be one; however I always hope to get things done. However sometimes the title is put unto me.

I must get done: work work work!
more writing
reading/studying rocks
travel
better $ management

become a "bad@ss" in general (referring to my Seneca Trip and my bad@ss climbing buddies).

Thank you for the inspiration. The reminders. The encouragement and support.



Smile!

(image courtesy some droid ap)

Aliens and Hexes

As a child, I always loved climbing stuff. Maybe humans have a natural inclination to climb. I climbed buildings, football goal posts, trees, walls, rocks/boulders etc.
Then somewhere the climbing stopped as it was inappropriate all of a sudden.
I wanted to start climbing again when I saw the rock wall at the University of Akron and wanted to get in shape to climb. I thought it was all arm strength. Little did I know it involved so so so much more.

So I wanted to have a strong upper body, but it was actually the whole body, mind and spirit. It all had to be in tune in sync with each other - this is what I learned much later.

I finally began climbing in 2009. I would do easy routes at the rock gym. I bought my own shoes and harness, but didn't learn to belay until 2011 summer. Therefore I really got into it in 2011. In 2009 I didn't push myself, mental conditioning was lacking a lot, technique lacked, and didn't handle the challenges enough.

As of 2011: I climbed outdoors, indoors and have see and experienced great heights. Mental conditioning - there is no end to that. Our minds are brilliant yet we have a lot of barriers to overcome. It is much like the matrix - you HAVE to "free you mind" so you have to get over the fact that "I can not" and just do it, because you can! (there are many proofs that one CAN do it, no matter what).

Seneca rocks - The beauty and intensity was mind numbing. I'm still reeling from the experience which I loved, but filled me with a 1000 different emotions, all as intense as the other... love, hate, anger, frustration, fear, self loathing, determination, exhaustion, warmth, cold, dread, fear, dread, love...

I was nervous the whole trip... irrational fears filled me: KKK, aliens, satanic worshipers... yes... I was "fear vomiting", cause I knew I would be stressed by the exposure of the cliff face we would be climbing. We were studying the book of the routes, self saving techniques, etc... funny thing was both aliens and hexes were mentioned on the same page (Seneca Rocks Climbing Guide). So the book makes it sound easy, but you know reality is different. Reality! Its just not a climb, its you, your mind, your body with the earth - doing together, getting to a higher place of consciousness and overcoming obstacles which include the above (your mind, body, spirit and the earth).

I also had a deep drunken conversation with Keith about eating animals, vegetarianism... which gave me a lot to think about and question, about respect, love, friendship, life and death. YES this is LIFE! We think about what nourishes us, where it comes from, it makes us do what we do, and we need to respect it (the food), ourselves, and our bodies.

So in tune with nature, body, mind and deep deep feelings, thoughts, beliefs... = Intense and beautiful.

The beauty and the intensity made me shed a tear or two, but I know its a catharsis I still need to face and let flow.





Breathe.

Changes Occur... Like Seasons

So I feel like it has been ages since I wrote a blog.
It is almost fall.
Things have changed in my life.
I have changed my life.
I decided to change.
Then everything changed.
However I realized it is a lot of hard work.
Exhausting.

It takes persistence. Determination. Perseverance.
Now i realize it takes will. courage and that desire to follow through.

I am tired. However, I will not quit.

I will be like "the little train that could".
"I-think-I-can. I-think-I-can. I-think-I-can"
and if i pursue and keep at it and chug chug chug all the way up the mountain, one day I will be saying "I-thought-I-could. I-thought-I-could"
and "I-knew-I-could" and I will use that power to keep climbing higher hills.

If we give up at hill one, then we are stuck in the valley and never see the view from the summit. The lovely panorama. The mind blowing, eye opening vista that keeps us climbing up more mountains.

So keep climbing, and don't stop. Don't settle for the valley, but enjoy the journeys,experience the seasons and views. It's all one. Don't stop at one place. Accept the change and seek for new.


Find time to relax - breathe - smile!

<3 <3 <3

Grateful

Sometimes, I find myself bursting. Bursting with love.
I have so much Love to give.

I am able to Love selflessly, forgive, reached out, and hold

I receive love in return...in such a big way. I am forgiven. I am lifted up, from having fallen. I am enveloped in this grace.

We learn from everything in life: being with people, and in the absence of.

For these lessons I am grateful.

We learn from the stillness and quietness we nurture within.
We learn from the chaos without.

I am grateful for the chaos. I am grateful for my peace.

I look up to the sky, and the world lies before me.
I close my eyes, and the universe unfolds in my mind.

I breathe the life into this body.
I exhale, calmness into the being.

I give love, and get it back twice fold.
I share pain, and I reduce it to half, or nothing.

My friends, I love you deeply, for we found each other in this vast place.
Souls, alike. Spirited. Living. Loving. Laughing.

My family, i care for you utterly, for we have lessons to learn from each other.
We grow. We live. We learn. We love.

Shakespeare and His Literature and its Relevance in Today's World

NPR, BBC and PRI, been listening to it a lot lately, and honestly, its nice to stay informed about the world, universe etc. I dislike wasting time on this topic, but Rupert Murdoch, his crew and the whole cell phone hacking scandal have been dominating the news stories lately; even though there are pressing matters such as the economies suffering all over the world, famine in Somalia, War in Libya, etc etc etc. No Murdoch and his new empire which was thriving on way to much power, was proven to be corrupt in the end, will make front page news everyday. When we give so much focus, energy and attention to such a "not good" thing, we are in fact giving it more power. We need to stop.
So this whole Murdoch deal, like all other things which are given so much power, is a classic example of Juvenal's quote (Circa 2nd Century AD) "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?". Who Watches the Watchmen? So who keeps and eye on the police? Who keeps the people who keep justice in check, in check?

So there's this crazy balance/imbalance in our lives... (which I can later go on to prove that everything is relative and there is no perfectness in a universe so full of chaos, because it is in the end a perfect chaos! {maybe Einstein would appreciate that observation, it might be that profound}), which is that the one's who would once give us the news, and expose the truth, became the one's forfeiting that "trust". That trust has long been owned by who knows... people like Murdoch? Politicians? People in power (power = money)? Trust being the newspaper, which is now generalized as "media".

I just happened upon this quote from the German punk rock scene -
"When justice becomes injustice, resistance becomes duty"

(I shall tie that in to all the above now... and to the title... I tend to ramble, but thank god, no one is grading me on it! That is why it is a blog)

On a program on KCRW (NPR, BBC, PRI) they brought on a Shakespeare expert to analyze what was being said about Murdoch case becoming a tragic Shakespearean drama, example King Lear. however in King Lear, we feel sorry for the great who has led himself to trip over his own doings. The speaker goes on to say a more proper comparison would be Claudius from Hamlet. Claudius is the manipulator from the beginning, we dont feel sorry for him, as he makes calculated plots, and then loses everything in the end. Things got out of control there, and with Murdoch's company. They didn't care about the means, because they had the power, but they got the job done. So ethically its not right, morally its not right, and no person who wants a clean conscience would do that. However sometimes we get hungry and greedy for success, power and wealth. We have to check ourselves, because sometimes there is no one checking us.

A different point of view, sure there will sympathizers of Murdoch, example his peers and friends; they would want to see him have justice, but then what kind of justice? "With great power comes great responsibility" and with that there also comes great penalty (Spiderman is fiction).
So the victims of the injustice they should get their justice. It's easy for him to dump the blame on his employees, but in the end he is the owner. With any success it is always shared success, but when there is a failure, a true leader will come forward to take full responsibility of that failure, without pointing fingers.

This is what has been taught over centuries, as good ethics and morals. However it seems we have forgotten humanity and the world, and become utterly selfish and self serving in our motives.

(I might break out into a rant of love, but I shall hold my tongue currently). So if Murdoch had apologized sincerely, and had taken the blame for the corporate irresponsibility, then he would have won the public hearts. However his arrogance and attempts to cover up, have made him untrustworthy.

So there are no doubt good genuine leader's out there, and then there are ones that make bad decisions.

Shakespeare wrote a lot of plays, and all of them had political undertones. We can all relate to one or more of his characters... who will you be? who do you want to be?

And just a side note, personally I think Obama is a great leader, carrying the troubled, and burdened times of this country and the world. Yet he is harshly judged. I was sad to hear that NASA had to end it's space shuttle program and Outer Space travel is becoming commercialized/privatized. The federal budget can not support it any more... We spent too much money on WAR!

I will end on the note:

There was never a Good War
Or a Bad Peace.

But was there EVER a peace?





Breathe!



(When I end on "Breathe", it's to remind us that we are here, and now. We are alive and breathing is so pure. So let us let that purity into us).

Crazy Love

what a crazy man!
maybe its for the best though.
maybe not.
maybe they'll come back?
maybe you don't even want them to?
who knows.
love is torture.
It should be covered under the Geneva conventions.


- From a chat with Scott on Love, Heartache, and Life.

The Tigeress

Your words made a deep impact. I don't know how or why, they inspired me, and hit me hard where, like you knew where to aim. I was impressed. More over I was inspired. Yes the fire began burning again, and I knew what I wanted... from MY life. And what I wanted from and for the world.

You showed me my inner secrets, my inner power - The Tiger in me arose... no more whimpering cub. You took down your wall which protects your heart, and showed me where it hurts; I asked you for patience and you gave me my space... you told me I needed to be stronger, assertive, confident in me. I dont know how or why, but it helped. and Here I am.

you were gentle, you love me, my support system, my best friend, like music does love and life flow...

I am a Tigress, see me run, hear me roar.

Thank you for the many experiences, the love and the memories!

Letting go of the past, embracing the new...


OM

Breathe!

Finding the Conquering Spirit ... Finding Peace of Mind and Pie

So I have been going to West Virginia three years in a row now!
First time I've gone there without a person who is a significant other! BUT HEY
I was my own significant other! The whole trip took: courage, blood shed, tears, pain, inner strength, outer strength, love and patience.
Long and difficult 5 hours to drive, but so worth it in the end, for friendship and adventure. Ultimately exhaustion, lessons learned, new friends made, and the whole thing was therapeutic in finding the Pree in Me again.

I can breathe again, and know I am strong and able to conquer many tough challenges - yes I might have to be whipped with a rope at times, scrape my elbows and knees, cry a whole new river out of my eyes, yell at myself... but I get there in the end.

Determination, Will, and well belief in my self.

I did some rock climbing ... outdoors this time. It was tough. Discouraging, frustrating at times, but I did it!

Confidence, Courage, and maybe even a little ego!

So onward and upward shall we go!

(here's a little secret ---- after a hard days work we all get Pies and Pints! = Motivation!)

(That is Renee climbing at Rehab/Ferngully, near Fayetville, WV)


Breathe!!!!

4th July 2011 Fun with Fidge

Rafting the New River (WV)

I couldn't read your poker face

I went all in for the first time.
I lost.
I thought You were bluffing,
apparently not.

Now I can't buy back in
for I have nothing left.

If you would know,
I never meant to bring you down.
It's all the drama
Making us act like fools and clowns.

We play the game,
Pay the price.

all is not fair in love and war,
Its a messed up story of men and mice.
Struggling for air, learning to swim,
We fall down,
Scrape our shin.

Give me love,
Thus giving me life.

Oh if only I knew,
I had it all here from the start.

In here. In my heart.



Breathe.

Two Quotes

DalaiLama:

"Compassion is a deep desire to see others relieved of suffering; love is the other facet, a strong wish to see others happy."

"When hatred or anger are generated they have the capacity to destroy one's virtue and calmness of mind."

Comic Relief

I just realized English in India and English in America is so different:
I remember as kids, in India we called "erasers" --- "rubbers". Not condoms, but actual erasers for pencils. So imagine little kids saying "I lost my rubber", "he is using my rubber", or "don't worry I'll buy a new rubber". So although it was perfectly innocent back then, put in the wrong context, its very funny.

In India we have stores that specially sell School Supplies, however there they are called "Stationary Stores". Now this is the proper "English" term. To people who don't know about this though it would sound odd. "I'm going to go to the stationary store after work" "the what?!"

There are so many such idiosyncrasies in the use of English language between USA and maybe the rest of the world. Since most other countries were colonized by the British, they use British English. In India add the British English with a hint of Indian pronunciation, it can be frightfully hilarious.

As a kid I remember watching this show called "Mind Your Language". There was a British version and a Hindi version of this show. They were totally different, but still amazing in their own ways.

I also realized Indian people emphasis words different than here in America. I don't know if it is more British or a touch of India... but it sometimes makes me self conscious about how I pronounce words. I remember simple words like Path, Poem, Geometry etc, had an accent or slur added depending on which accent holder was speaking it. Hope that made sense, because I'm no expert in linguistics and phonetics. But it is the funniness of it all!



Breathe! Laugh and Play!

Remembering the simple

A year ago I was a different person.
We are all dynamic beings, and as i said in a blog before, change is the only variable that is also a constant! or something of the sort. The thing is change is the only thing that you can totally rely on, because it's going to happen whether or not you are ready for it.

Once upon a time when I wasn't ready for change, I suffered a lot, and was stuck. Then I was lucky to be at a place, where they helped people "get on with it". The changes in life. We read this book called "Who moved my cheese". It is simple, if the cheese moves, pack up your bag and move with the cheese! Don't just sit there, no other cheese is going to come along. Maybe after a hundred years. That's just life. Message is: life is better when you are proactive. In regards to anything and everything.

Now I am a different person. However deep down inside I am resolute in my basic character. In psychology it is said "personality" changes, but character is what is steadfast within each one of us. Or at least that is what I learnt 6-7 years ago when i did my bachelors in psychology. Just finding that inner self, and that real me while I'm so caught up in Maya, the petty dramas of this world, the attachment to material things, is so hard. We seem to lose ourselves in the silly drama going on, which is life and this world. We forget our purpose, because we are beaten down by hearing, bearing and dealing with the same $#!T different day. Some people are so stuck in the drama they become inherently negative, and those are people that test us.

I got tested. Once again I fell into darkness.
However to see the light we must all feel the pain of a dark dark night.
Then we awake to see a new day, a new world, with the same eyes, but a fresh outlook. We remember how it was to BE. We remember our inner self, and how to be alive again sometimes with simple words: Today what woke me up was "the skin is not the boundary of your body, the whole universe is your body."

I remembered that I loved endlessly, and I didn't want to focus my love and passion on one thing. I remembered there is endless possibilities in the universe! I remembered that I am capable of so much more than what I am doing in the present time and spot. I remembered I need to be proactive, and make the wheels turn faster.
I remembered the power of the secret! (I love the secret, and love using it).
I remembered seeing a a Indigo Bunting and how it made me happy. I remembered being open to everything and everyone...I remember being unerring in my positivity.

Why aim for the moon, when we can aim for the stars.

There's no looking back, and we learn from living, loving and listening.



Breathe.


Om.

counterparts

the hero stays, the villain splits,
the brave endure the pain, and coward quits.

free association

letting it out, letting feelings flow...
wanting to let it all go.

the process is slow,
and i have to think about what's next. i really don't know.

i choke on tears,
but i have to let go of my fears.

friends forever, love each other,
end of story, what's the hurry.

a fountain of life, a living death,
trapped within being, sailing within.

foolish feelings, silly heart,
falling in love is not an art.

trembling, broken,
shinning, amorous.

perfect, beauty in imperfection,
natural. loving. playful. sunshine.

i love you.

summer commences

Summer is here. what we've all been waiting for, and then everyone starts complaining once again. We cant and never will control weather, except by making it crazier with whatever it is we do... adding to Greenhouse gases and bla bla! i can pull out journals, text books, etc of research on this stuff.
People love complaining in general, wah wah whine cheese whine whine waah! life is full of ups and downs and it is good to have someone to share this with.
I always had this perspective that this imperfect life is so perfect, sometimes the stress get to ya though. it really does.

*sigh*

my biggest bane = people.

ugh... now i would like to quote Mr. Smith from the Matrix on what he thought humans were. Except if those computers were so great what did they do with the animals?

Love: animals and nature...

OE Wilson coined the term Biophilia, and most humans have the natural affinity to nature.

however this guy at work today started screaming like a girl and squashed a poor spider to death.

People!!!!!

Summer: summer love... some heat, some rain, some dead grass, love it enjoy it... for it will be freezing cold again in a few months... at least here in ohio it will.

Tropics: its always hot there. I lived there, and i will say... I love the tropics... but then again being a geographer i love every place, for its uniqueness!

rant completed.

*bows out*

5 months into 2011

We live we learn.

And it's not getting much easier at all. It has been very difficult for a while now, however difficulty is relative to what a person can handle. I am sure I am better off, I have so much to be grateful for. However the hurdles I face are difficult for me.

I pace myself. I breathe. I focus.

I thought this year would be different and it has been. I am growing. Making decisions trying to figure out myself? I think sometimes people go off on a physical journey, however I do not have the money or time to. Turns out its tougher than it seems. It is a learning process.

I have been learning from my sister, a wonderful man, my uncle and my parents. They are close to me right now. They help me along my way.

Patience. Insight. Acceptance.

I am learning to love myself, and be patient with others. Accept my self with all my flaws and those around me.

Love. Being Present. Trust.

To treat those around me with love. No matter if they are hurting me. I have understood its their own deal that they are being mean. As long as I keep my act, and the entire side of my road clean. I am good. Always treat everyone with love. It seems to work.

I am always worried about the future, or hung up about the past. However to be present and live in the NOW is helping so much. I can enjoy the people I am with. It is doubly joyous for all involved.

Trust is the hardest hurdle of all. I need to trust the people in my life and the ones I love. I need to trust myself.

All these things I work on... forget money, its just a part of this whole system thing we live in. Just getting the basics right, is something most people do not do these days.

Tolerance.

So many people have such low tolerances in regards to so many things. They hurt each other. It is not even necessary.

Meditation.

Every morning for at least 5 minutes. It has helped me this past one week to be more productive and calm at work, although the stress levels are rising, there is calm within me.

Change.

Change is something we must always be ready for. Change is the only constant constant. However it is the biggest variable! Accept it! Go with it... or be left behind.

Breathing, enjoying every single bit of this life, and staying positive.
I am strong. I will do whatever it is I need to do and want to do!

OM!

DOST - AMIGO - FRIEND

I have many different types of friends: friends who are the "good time charlie" sort, friends I never see but when we do its like no time or space has passed between us, friends who are dependable, flaky friends, shady friends, frenemies, childhood friends who have that ever lasting bond, friends from childhood, acquaintances, people I know, sisterly friends, brotherly friends, friends who are no longer friends, friends who were friends but friends no more, internet friends, my closest dearest bestie friends wherever they are, seasonal friends, work friends, college and grad school friends ...







... in the end i love them all.


we are all one.



(disclaimer: however it is only human to feel intense emotions at some point in the other.)

B R E A T H E

Living on my own!

Its a bout time I finally moved out of my parents home. Yes finances will be tight, but I needed this. There is a difference between being all sheltered and waiting for the good thing to come by, than making your own effort. I love my parents deeply, but I was not growing. I really needed to do it my way, spread my wings, fly, leave the nest...
So, yes, I now have my very own apartment... two bedrooms, one bath, a tiny kitchen and a nice big dinning/living room. It is my space, my time.

So far its been nice having friends, and family support, however there are moments when i feel utter loneliness, which is natural. I wish i had a pet at that point. However it is a natural thing and I must face that emotion.

I can keep my thoughts to myself, and enjoy the silence: giving me time to write!

Also can't wait to be more active, and be outdoors in the nature soon in spring, do all the things I didn't have time for in the past. Will always keep family in my and heart though.

<3
 Sleepy

To blog or not to blog

Ok honestly I love blogging, and I don't blog half as much as I want to, but then again its hard to stay motivated as a writer because I don't get half as much feedback as I would like to receive. Furthermore blogger, as much as I love google, does not fulfill my needs... Suggestions?
Different blogging sites? Anything?

Good news is, I moved out of my parents home, now I may write more.

february feelings

Snow snow snow... spring is no where in sight
Tis been 7 months since we met, dear love,
Life times of memories created.
Seasons have changed as we have grown - fonder, nearer, dearer.

Muse

To believe in, to hold
To hold me when I sleep,
To laugh together, little jokes that only we know.


Perfect chivalry, perfect chemistry
The animal - within unleashed, the man - gentle and caring.


Holding hands, sitting by the campfire come snow or fall
Journeying through the world of Harry Potter as one.

Trust through communication and understanding
Love through looking into the soul
Deep brown eyes.

Gives me strength, gives me hope,
my dreams come alive again.

Little adventures, leaping across streams
forests, mountains and who knows what else
Inspire through just being you.

Believe in me, believe in you,
Believe the us will see us through.

Most of all I see what I can be,
with just a little bit of help from you
Smiles, caresses, kisses and warmth
Growth, changes, life and love.

WV - NEW RIVER GORGE - OCTOBER 2010

with my <3

Bonds and Binds and Blinds

So my parents have never liked any guy I have dated. I'm Indian? I'm American? I'm what?

I'm just Pree from this world.

And right now I'm too tired to write this blog, but I have a lot to say regarding arranged marriage and how its not for me. Maybe other people may like it, but its not for me. I want to come upon my guy on my own. Also I think a woman being Independent is better than a woman marrying a guy for security... Gold Digger is it? I can make my own security and I can choose who is compatible for me.

'Nuff said.

I'm a rockstar, and that is all!

Two Thousand and Ten in Retrospect - Looking Forward to the New Twenty Eleven

I remember last New Years Eve like yesterday, and then  again, it seems like a long time ago. My very dear friend Polloy came to visit me. It was a very fun time. I was playing a lot of Lord of the Rings online at that time, to keep my mind off things such as the severe economic depression sweeping the country. My grand parents were visiting, and my sister left to New York City for grad school. The trip to New York brought many issues to the surface, and I felt like something was not right. Before which I broke up with my boyfriend, it crushed me, but I needed to make some changes, there were compatibility and communication issues. I needed to be Priyanka, I met people a long the way who grew close to my heart, as well as I started growing out of my little girl shoes. I wanted to be my own person. I want to be my own person. There is the image or Priyanka I want to be (Ideal) and then there is real life. Then there is the person I don't want to be. These are clear in my head. They are for me only, and I want to attain this on my own.
(I don't like how this blog doesn't work properly sometimes, it's very glitchy, even MS word is better)
As Elphaba said in Wicked (Defying Gravity), "Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. If that's love it comes at much too high a cost." So I wanted to just be, love, and let it go. Be free.

I went to Mexico. It was good, I'd go back again, a lovely country. It felt like India (as a compliment), and I almost felt at home. We had a lot of awesome yoga going the whole year until a very busy summer began. Lots of visitors, it was nice, but exhausting. I just wanted one weekend to myself. Then again I live at home, so forget about a lone time.

The World Cup and The Grand Slams came around! How I love tennis and football! I will say the day of the final for the FIFA World Cup was very awesome! The game was almost moot, so I went for a bike ride. Fall came around and I worked hard, and became more determined to make bigger life changes, also realized more how I needed to assert myself as my own person. I went camping in West Virginia, it was lovely as usual, and a good change from the familiar Ohio-ness. I also began ballroom dancing which helped me so much, and I began finding different facets of this Priyanka person, and I keep growing - On my own, inwardly and outwardly.

For Halloween I was Elphaba, and then i dressed up as a Ravenclaw student. If I could I would cosplay in character everyday! Must be the love of art, creativity and theatre in me... I want to develop on this facet of me more this year. I got a new tattoo, learned how to play Texas hold 'em, and enjoyed Turducken (thanks to Anna), and saw some awesome bands play this year! I loved watching the real professional dancers dance at the Ohio Star Ball. I was star struck, and realized some sick feminine side of me that likes high heels, skirts and shiny things.

I met a awesome guy and began developing a nice relationship with him - enjoying the communication, the clarity, and perhaps simplicity, however it is almost as if I am introspecting more and being more aware of how I am. I like that kind of metacognition. I am very happy.

I met a bunch of new people, and also reunited with my very close friend Mandy and her family for new years. It was very much delayed and much needed. Last year was spent with a new friend and this with an old friend. I also had some good times with my friends Renee, Shelby, Amy (I miss yoga with you), Michelle, Miles (my animal lover/adventurer friend), Steve, Ramon, Nidia, Erin (my beautiful and loving friend), Donnie (always wierd friendly like), Chris (maverick the Ace), Becky (love you!), Oye Kakke (hey sexy), K Dawg (Whatever), Phil (The Pastros Captain, I love your fb comments to me), My little Sister (Peeeeeeg), Mandy, My Uncle Danny, Ryan, Deepti (I like our emails, and am glad you're still in my life!)... (if I forgot you, you know you mean a lot to me). I have said good bye to those who have hurt me, and realized although I do love them very much, the pain they cause me is far too much for me to contact them.

I love my family dearly, and I love my friends even more. For family is that which we are born with, however friends are people we pick ourselves. My friends might not be famous, rich, or rocket scientists, but what matters most is that they are loyal, steadfast, reliable, trustworthy, and most of all TRUE TO THEMSELVES.

Holiday season comes around, and I am burnt out. I want peace and quiet. A get away to South/ Central America would be great. However some unavoidable family issues come up, and it sucked the life out of me. Here I am drained, but I know that this can only make me stronger. Yes I will kick ass this year, or at least write more and travel more despite rising gas prices. After the last few years things can only get better.

Love and Sunshine!!!!
~Pree~

 Mandy and I on  NYE in Grand Rapids, Mi.