Her Suffering... Hurts Like Heaven

They say, "if you give a lot of love, you receive twice as much in return." Or something of the sort. So do love effortlessly and selfless-ly.

She lies there on a cot (wooden bed frame), looking at me through such sad eyes. She lets out a wail of distress, and I feel my face go from a smile to utter horror, and sorrow. There is so much pain in the wail. She writhes about on the wooden surface which is covered in plastic, in distress. Her face contorts, she opens her mouth to attempt to talk, but nothing comes out. Then she cries out; The loud moan is unbearable, and makes me want to cry. Only her eyes are steadfast, and grave with unrest and discomfort. So much pain.
Physical, and that of the heart.
Her eyes speak to me, over all the chatter. I try to smile, but my heart is bleeding.

It is like she is trapped inside her own mind and body. Her body wont work, wont talk, but she speaks with her eyes, and exudes love.

Memories of when she was totally contrary to what she is now: bubbly, active, loving, mobile, chattering with the birds!
I remember how she would take such good care of me, always be utterly positive, and never say a mean word about anyone...
Why?
How?
When?
These things we will never know... but I know who she is deep down inside, and love her to death. I can't be happy for how she is right now. I can't stand to see her in this state of anguish, I hope she is freed from it soon.
This has wieghed so heavily on my heart and mind since I visited her. They take good care of her, but the thing is they don't know why she is in this condition... a stroke perhaps? parkinsons? That is what they are treating her for, but it isnt helping. There is only so much one can do for her at this point. I feel helpless and wish she was well again. I wish she was her same bubbly, active self.
Made me realize we have to be grateful, take care and maintain our good health. We can make the change by taking care of ourselves, not being paranoid about silly stuff, but feeding ourselves good foods, hydrating, exercising... I am also glad for this catharsis, I held it in thus long. I wish I could talk to her, but it is so hard to do... I would sing her the song true colors... cause I know she is still in there.

So true colors goes out to my Mejho Dida (my great middle aunt)

You with the sad eyes,
don't be discouraged,
though I realize
its hard to take courage,
in a world full of people,
you can lose sight of it all,
and the darkness, inside you
makes you feel so small.

But I see your true colors
shining through,
I see your true colors, that's why I love you,
and don't be afraid to let them show... your true colors... are beautiful like a rainbow.

Show me a smile then,
don't be unhappy, don't remember when
I last saw you laughing.
If this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear,
just call me up cause you know I'll be there.

I see your true colors
shining through,
I see your true colors, that's why I love you,
and don't be afraid to let them show... your true colors... are beautiful like a rainbow.

I will always remember you the way you were at heart.
I will always remember your loveliness.



Breathe.

Glimpses From A Rickshaw

I walked to the main road and caught a rickshaw... the bicyclist said he would take me through the inner roads however, instead of the main roads. I took this alternative mode of transportation cause the three taxis had all the excuses in the world not to drive at 9:00 am 1- car is broken, 2- jaboo na (wont go) 3- washing car.

The inner roads the rickshaw walla took were really gully-gully windy roads... suddenly there was a intersection and clearing, where there was a little vegetable market... right there in the middle of the road, in the middle of the little golf green area behind south city mall. There were people waking up, and showering, drinking their morning chai, and spitting. Honestly it was 9:30 by now and these people were still waking up! What a life!

Doggie was sleeping right at the edge of the road and the rickshaw wallah irritably said "aiy!" yet in a very laid back manner, so typical to Bengalis. Suddenly the a load but squeaky horn sounds behind us, and we give way to a little lorry that passes us, and kicks up immense amount of dhullo (dust). I cough. The rickshaw wallah pedals on.

We pass a man slowly opening his store, the sound of shaankh baajna (conch shell or "shankar dhoni") shokal balai (morning time); there are men sitting and staring into space, minds still foggy, sipping on hot chai in little clay cups... a man at a corner enjoys a biddi while sipping on chai. This was the morning scene.

Once at south city there was a lot of rush, and people trying to catch any mode of transportation (this was near lord's er moor - lord's junction). A crow shat on my head, while I was trying to hail down a cab. My friend texted saying I was now blessed with good luck. Stinky good luck and still no cab.Finally I got a cab, who reluctantly took me where I wanted to go.

On the way back, my friend accompanied me till Golpark (round park, a circle and major junction). Then I got off at South city mall so I could get a book at a store there, since the book I had bought previously off the street vendor, was OK for the most part, but a few important pages were blank! Acquired the book and a few more hindi movies, and I was able to get a rickshaw guy right at the mouth of South City Mall. I told him "please take me to golf green", but he had no idea of where golf green was (how strange). So I said, "behind the TV towers", then he understood. So of we went down Uday Shankar Sarani (which is adjacent to Prince Anwar Shah Road). So this Doordarshan ("seen from afar" tv station) Bangla main station is there. On that road, a guy was washing the car, a two men working on a car, wearing lungi (cloth tied around the bottom areas) and ghamcha (cloth towel) on shoulder, another man was painting his shop, a dog was sitting and patiently awaiting scraps from a street side food stall, a couple was being annoyed by a person trying to sell stuff, another man was lecturing two other guys, probably giving them "gyan" (knowledge/edumacation)... So went the afternoon, so went the little snippets of south cal life from a rickshaw...

The City of Joy

Calcutta... the city of joy...

its definitely a tad bit dirtier than Delhi, it seems different than Delhi. A week here now, and I feel like I am getting more "Indian-ized"... my English is morphing, and my Bengali and Hindi are getting better. Haven't drank dabber jol yet (coconut water). Calcutta has changed, grown... for better or for worse? As all these cities have grown; grown outward and upward. Cars, People, boom!

Malls, Hotels, High rise apartments, now they want to introduce wal-mart? Hmm bad idea. I will miss the chai valla, the roadside bazaars etc. I guess everyone wants the same conveniences the west has, while the west is beginning to move towards organic farmers markets, etc. Crazy!

Calcutta! Surprised me by springing my teenage years on me. I met Rohitesh, my classmate from tenth standard, (grade 10) in Park Circus, it was a crazy taxi ride to get there. The taxi walla was on his cell phone, talking so loudly. Took me some long way, but apparently it was the right way, the traffic was ridiculous! Everyone thinks his/her car comes first, and they all do whatever they want! Who needs lanes, traffic laws, just do whatever you want!

Rohitesh and I visited the mural my sister painted on Roudon street, right next to the la martiniere girls main entrance. Then we parked and wandered around Park Street; hit new market and then went to the infamous Oly Pub. Never been there but heard about it ever since 11th standard when all the guys would head there. Dont know why I never went there before. Very rustic but awesome in its own way!

Then we headed to Swabhumi which is just outside Salt Lake. Here we found ourselves falling rapidly down the rabbit hole, a twilight zone... an inter-school dance fest... it was wow! All the kids were dressed up, and the choreography was MJ worthy and music mixing was pretty good too for younglings. It was like Indian GLEE!!!! I talked to some of the little girls, (they were 15 or 16 years old) they were so warm, enthusiastic, friendly and ridiculously energetic... not to mention innocent. I think I remember being that age, but it does seem out of reach. All of them so pretty and confident, it was so good to see them, so excited for all of them, and their futures! I hope WE as their leading generation can leave a better brighter cleaner world for them!

This made me happy, and truly it is the city of joy.

Took some lovely pictures, will add them soon.

*hugs*

*Breathe!*