Reject

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowded room
Everyone's laughing, talking, mingling,
The room is bright and yet you see only gloom
And in your ear the endless silence ringing.

Have you ever felt left out
Of a circle of smiling friends,
As they make plans without a doubt
Not inviting you, not even an apology to make amends.

Have you ever felt not good enough
Like you were not pretty, thin, or buff
That your friendship didn't count
They only wanted someone they could flaunt.

Have you ever felt hurt
More painful than the deepest cut,
When someone you love pushes you away
Even though they will need you once again, some day.

Have you ever felt abandoned
Not loved or cared for, instead only scorned,
Forgotten in lieu
Of someone new.

Have you ever felt replaced
When they replace you with another face,
What did your friendship mean
Or was this the worst yet to be seen.

Have you ever felt betrayed
Like what happened to Robb and Catelyn, at the hands of the Freys,
To be treated as family only to be stabbed in the back
Those types of people aren't worth jack.

Have you ever felt rejected
Like your own father won't accept you
Like Tyrion his who life, dejected,
Discriminated like a diseased ridden ewe.

It's good to know
These are just feelings
A chemical reaction that may pass.
It's sad to feel, however,
For these are people's feelings,
Of which we should be mindful of, or peace,
is the ultimate goal.



Breathe



Tribute to Tyrion and Penny.

House Cleaning

I cleaned up my facebook finally!
from a 1000 to 600 something...

Why did I have to "unfriend" so many?

There are people who I always reach out to but never reply, or there are people who are not that close to me, I haven't seen them in years, acquaintances etc. I didn't get rid of them entirely, they are all transferred to a different more professional profile (kinda working on somethings right now, and really need to go into myself, and share less, its a very personal thing). Really just sorting and finding who my true friends are, my friends who hang out with me, who are excited to be with me... There is such a difference, and I am here open to friendship, its all up to the other person.

What makes the other person a good friend?
1- honesty
2- communication
3- nurturing the friendship / making it grow
4- being truthful when feeling flaky about showing up, communication
5- being there when times are bad
6- being there when times are good
7- give and take, take and give
8- being genuine
9- humble
10- loyalty
....

There are so many things that make a good friend, and some people have said I am a difficult to be friends with cause of the high standards. Well I am an extremely empathetic (an empath), I am sensitive, so I need to surround myself with the best. To protect myself, my heart, and its hard to keep giving, I am not martyr.

People move on in life, and grow, make their own friends. It is understandable that some would not be able to or wish to stay in contact. I see no why they should linger on my personal page. I'm not in their lives, they aren't in my life. I think my sis did a sorting of a similar sort recently, and I have friends who have done the same. Although I say this, I often end up in one-way friendships, I let people do that to me, but I can't anymore.

I need to surround myself with people who are excited to be with me! Who want to hang out with me, who aren't using me, or I am just another picture on their facebook wall. I will not be that person anymore... I will not reach out and not get a reply for vast amounts of time...

I will not tolerate arrogance. Why is it that when some of my friends have received PhDs they began acting haughty, or in laymen's terms - they became total jerks. Isn't education supposed to better people? Why am I suddenly lesser, and not deserving of their respect? My father (an Indian man) always told me PhDs are always respected, and most respected. Do they always give respect though? You get respect if you give respect, not if you studied something for longer than another person. So you have some letters in front of your name, so you have another paper, so you spent more money to educate yourself, so you may earn more... so what? In the end "Winter IS Coming". In the end we are all but carbon molecules...

(that sure was a little rant).

I will be mindful to not become a jerk when I get more papers saying that I know "stuff", in the future. It is tough to be mindful, and it is always important to apologize to friends when you realize you have hurt them. I love the healthy communication, respect and love I have with some of my friends. Yes it's almost like an relationship. In fact it is. Maybe that's why people think being my friend is so demanding... what good is a friend who is not there for you when times are down, who won't go to watch movies with you, who lies to your face, who never stays in touch, who doesn't respect you or your feelings?

Yeah... surround yourself with Good people, Good friends... not Cool, but Good, and they will automatically be cool, cause you are cool. When you have a good friend, it won't even seem like so much work, because it will be so natural.

Breathe

biking with climbing friends.. ok climbing family!

fun time with friends!... family...

Amends

First we start with forgiveness.

Forgive ourselves so we can love ourselves more
In turn, through loving ourselves, we love others more and can forgive them easily.

It sounds silly even whimsical, it sounds simple...
Be warned it is difficult. To say I love you, to yourself, using your name.
(Unless perhaps you were a narcissist to begin with)
This is not a narcissistic kind of love, but a bigger love.
What is tough at first, becomes more fluid, when practiced often.


Try it.

When you have mastered this, write it. When you can write it, feel it, and be it, try it on the person you are upset with.

Small steps. First imagine it.

Think clearly of where you have wronged them and what you could have done better.
Think of where they have hurt you, and how they could show up for you better.
Learn to let it go. Don't take it personal. Always, keep your side of the road clean.

Write it all out.
Remember to never blame, and remember that you have always had part in the making the relationship/friendship murky.
When you are good with this, and feel a peace when you think of them, you will feel ready to make amends.

Now try telling the person you are mad at that you love and forgive them.

To love you, Oh it hurts...like a cut on my heart, bleeding it dry.

I forgive you my friend, and love you so deeply.
I understand if you don't feel the same. Maybe one day, maybe never... I do hope you find peace however.

Find peace within yourself.

Breathe.

I picked this picture because it made me remember after all we do to the earth and our fellow creatures we must always remember to be grateful for them, their lives and support. We must ask them for forgiveness. They will grant it to us time and time again, no matter how much we hurt them.

Egos, Opinions, and Arguments

This morning, in a meeting I witnessed one of the biggest clashes of personality, ego, and wit. It was amusing for a while, then it was hackneyed and I just wanted them to grow up and sort out their differences. The eye rolling, the use of wit, semantics, and what not. Grown Ups!

I miss the days when I could just pull my sisters hair, and she would slap and scratch me back, we would cry, and my mom would say sort it out. We would look at each other, say sorry and start playing again, together.

Things were simple then, how did it get so complicated?

The ego slowly develops as we grow and it becomes a source of comfort, the mental embodiment of that security blanket, or teddy bear we once couldn't live without. Holding onto our "ego" we actually miss out on a lot. As we grow we learn, and we often seek for approval of our opinions, thoughts etc. When we confront disapproval instead of seeing why and how, we say why not, and begin to stand our ground. It is important to learn how to stand our ground, but also see the other person's perspective and realize to them that maybe right. As we now learn after being around this planet for a while, and living with other humans for a little bit, that no one ever wins a fight, and no one ever is right or wrong (it's never as clear as black and white, and even then we found the 50 shades of Gray, different shades of white and black!).

If we are so educated, why do we still end up in conflicts?

Ego! The ego holds us back from seeing things from the other side, or multiple sides. When we hold onto it, (it's like holding on to pride), we can't see from anther's perspective. However when you can put things in perspective, then you range of vision, understanding, empathy, experience increases drastically.
Education, I feel, kind of hones that ego, rather than making us understand that we have it, and how it holds us back from truly being an "educated" human (with that statement I will say there's more where that comes from, a lot of ranting).

So how do we remedy this human nature called the Ego?

Let go of it. It is very hard to do, especially at first, because it always comes back, be aware of it, and notice the actions it makes you take. Its really easy to correct once you realize you are acting out of ego and not from your true heart. Realize the difference and make that change, it is good for the world. It is one of the things I have learnt from my boyfriend and my sister, is letting go of it, and being the higher person, not for pride, but to do the right thing, and realize I will be making the same mistake as the "offender" if I behaved in that fashion. Deepak Chopra, Sri Sri Ravishankar, The Dalai Lama, etc. and other philosophers and spiritual teachers have some useful advice.

Back to the argument this morning, it's funny thought both of the individuals involved have the above awareness, they went back to that nature since they thought they had to defend themselves against each other. Defense is a major part of protecting the ego/ error or a great way of hiding the fact you KNOW you did something wrong. So although I see where they were both mistaken, they both could have bowed and admitted, apologized and started working, building from scratch. However that seems like more work so they decided to take the messy path. As amusing as it was, it was disappointing, however I learned a lot and do plan to apply this further in my life.

Breathe!
 

The sign reads "we are not Human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience"!!! This lady (who drives the car) got it right!


Deepak Chopra - https://www.deepakchopra.com/blog/view/744/selfesteem_and_ego

"Be mindful of how you release your negativity so that it does not reflect back into your reality."



Dalai Lama - http://www.dalailama.com/messages

His tweets are the best:

Affection is important because it counters anger, hatred and suspicion that can prevent our minds from functioning clearly.

Affection is important because it counters anger, hatred and suspicion that can prevent our minds from functioning clearly.

Don't blame others for your uneasy feelings; blame your own state of mind. This is why altruism  brings you greater peace of mind.

Don't blame others for your uneasy feelings; blame your own state of mind. This is why altruism  brings you greater peace of mind.

Tranquil Turmoil

I want to be happy -
I smile.

I feel the pain, I feel sadness-
Sorrow

You guide me through life -
I follow.

Blind leading the blind
You are only trying to be kind
Do me a favor, Leave me alone
I will surely find my own way...

...One day,
Might not be today.

I have nothing else to say.


I want to be free-
Be free.

I feel constrained-
Society.

I resent, repent, remorse, remember-
the past.

You think you know me
Do you even know you?
Do me a favor, leave me alone
I will find me, Go find you...

...One day,
Might not be today.
I have nothing else to say.

The darkness envelopes me-
Acceptance.

The light will shine once again-
Anticipation..

Lose the complacency, shed the passivity-
Fight.

It's my life and I will do as I please
We don't have to go separate ways but

Do me a favor, leave me alone
We can agree to disagree and be at peace...

...One day,
Might not be today.
I have nothing else to say.

Copyright Conscious Culture

Copyright Conscious Culture
By Piyali Banerjie
"Raise your vibration"

Rise

Struggles:

Sometimes just to get out of bed in the morning
To smile when the sky is grey
The driver that cuts in front - steer away from frowning
To talk when you have nothing nice to say.

To love when anger envelopes your being
To find compassion when you scrape through the day
Find the light when darkness is all you are seeing
Fighting the winter blues even though it is almost May.

Being motivated even when there is so much to do
To discipline yourself against all temptations
To run, to move, exercise and to even just get up and go
Patience for all those slow moving situations.

To find beauty in the ugliness
To taste the sweet in the most bitter
To remember our pureness
To turn a bad moment into something better.

To spare your loved ones the brunt of frustrations
To find a peace amongst the chaos
Feel warmth among cold companions
Within the millions to find the "us".

Rise:

We will overcome these and be higher souls
We will be our own warriors
Sing louder than the bell tolls
Breaking all our barriers.


We will strive to day to be better than yesterday
Love endlessly
To be warm and shine: be a brighter ray
Smile continuously.

Smile - For everyday is a new day

Remember -The beauty of life itself

Breathe.

(I wrote this because I was having a hard time being motivated, and a colleague said he had a hard time getting the day started, a friend having a hard time getting out of bed and getting on with life, a friend letting go of the old and embracing the new... Let's remember we struggle with little things everyday but need to overcome them to be stronger and the higher person. Some of our struggles might be bigger than petty everyday ones, but we have to rise above be our own warriors!)

CATHARSIS

The purging of emotion.

Bottled up deep inside

though you have a smile

there is so much to hide

much to beguile.

Passion, Anger, Sorrow and Suffering

Frustrations, Anguish, Confusion, and Repression

Hurt, Pain, Rage a feeling of Chocking

Oppression, Conceal, Suppression....

A moment comes when we decide to let

the emotions that we've buried inside

to burst out, to jet

to flow and exit with the receding tide.

If the emotions make us a bubble,

or a balloon - a small nudge or snip

in the form of an external thrust to hell

can make us snap and pop.

The emotional purge can be beautiful

Sometimes it can be ugly

It can be dangerous to some and harmful

Yet it needs to be done, most definitely.

 Ophelia - Hamlet

Unemployment & Angst

2008 December I graduated! Great hopes and dreams.

I was set on beginning my PhD. However a strange job opportunity came my way and it was once in a life time government super sweet job. I thought I had it, they made me think I had it... and alas boom bam! I shake my head in disappointment. Was I a fool? Once again, was I played?
2009 I spend working part time, and I was lucky to have got that job, part time or not. SO LUCKY!
I gained experience, but all year I have kept applying to jobs.
Nothing positive. Out of over a 100 job applications I sent out I only got 1 positive response, and I didn't get that job either because I lack experience. However all the experienced people are "laid off". THey might have a better chance of getting hired.

*rolls eyes*

So here I am fresh out of grad school, a head full of ideas... just being let down, time and time again.

Anger Hatred Fear Depression

and an entire array of completely remorseful and horrid feelings fill me. I'm dying from the inside out. Why, oh why does the mighty lord not strike me down dead? I feel so useless and worthless. Just feelings. So the government is creating jobs ... then why do I not have one yet? I am applying. I am doing everything I can.

Those of you who know me, I am professional, I present myself well, I have experience (interned at places), I am intelligent, and I know my stuff. So maybe I don't have 10 years experience, but heck I am only in my mid 20s.

Frustration. Furious. Fierceness. Fervid. Flaming.

I don't mean to express such rage, but really it is so hard to remain positive. However when they say a door closes... God opens a window.

Well numerous doors have closed for me. I mean many many many many many doors have closed, or many people have closed doors, and not to point fingers but many government jobs (well a computer ranks the applications, apparently. Computers are smarter than humans and very good judge of human character apparently).

Yes I am bitter. Today once again I heard the words that are so abundant and redundant in employer emails to day... repeated "you do not have the required 'score'" emails from a division of the government for a job. Not one email but 7 computer generated rejections. Very nice I would say. So I am bitter. However I found my window and I am going to open it myself, and make the best of it.

Determination, Divination, Discipline, Dedication, Drive, Destiny.

(I wrote this January 8th 2010. I am finally publishing it online now. I believe this is how all the "occupies" feel. I dealt with these feelings, I was underemployed... and now i am working not in the field that I graduated with. I MADE things turn around. We control our lives, our fate and destiny... not the government or some rich fools. Become the Tiger!