Of A Broken Heart

What is to become of me?
Me...

Of a broken heart I shall die,
The end is nigh.
I see no reason,
struggling season after season.

Wat is to become of us?
Us...

Of what significance am I to you?
Of my pain and strife you have no clue.
The end is nigh,
For what other reason should I live for other than to die?

You strike me down
You wear your crown
So proud so perfect
You crush me like a mere insect.

The end is nigh,
You sit so high.
You see it not,
That this is all for naught.

What is to become of me?
Me...

A shattered heart
Bleeding black.
Of dreary darkness and cold depression
There is no lack.

What is the purpose,
When all men must die,
Valar morghulis,
So you agree? The end is nigh.

The Trident - By Jayson Mondola

Breathe

A Song of Ice and Fire: A Storm of Swords - Chapters 69 - End (Spoiler alert!)

After much analysis, and reflection... I am Sansa. I thought life, this world would be this amazing place, what a bunch of bollocks. In other aspects I am like Arya, but it takes us a while to wake up from childhood, and break free from fairy tales. It can go the other way too, one might think life is harsh and rough all the time, and when they reach a moment of tenderness they are as much in shock as a person who thought the world was flowers and butterflies. Right?

Kids grew up faster back in the day, mortality was shorter for humans then too. Now a days we keep are kids protected from the big bad world, longer than we should. The darkness, the winter, the evil, has ways of seeping in however. I learnt young, to be wary of men; what I didn't learn was how to play the game, the game of thrones. I never liked politics, but it is important to be aware of, kind of like the game "Risk", where we take over countries and such.

It is true, maybe there was some sort of entitlement with the whole middle-class-college-educated-generations. We were told by our parents and society: "get a degree and you'll get a good job", at least that's the way of success since the 70s. Then the colleges began handing out Master Degrees like hot cakes in every field whatsoever. Then catastrophe, economic downfall, war, and loss of jobs occurs. Which gives birth to the "occupy wall-street" movement by the "99%". We forgot we have to work hard to get the job, and keep working harder still after that. What will the Joffreys, Sansas, Margearys, Briennes, Cersei,s Jaimes of the world DO! They have to be like Tywin and write letters, or be like Tyrion and deal with WHATEVER LIFE hands you.You were Sansa one day, and the next day you are a fallen Sansa. Or one day you are Tyrion, and then the next- Tyrion the traitor.

So much to learn from this book, so much. An article I read recently, reflected the racism in the series. Dany the beautiful white haired, white skinned lady, who tames a bunch of brown skinned barbarians. The story has been done before in history- British and the Indians... both the Native Americans and Indians from India. Same story different age! ;-)

This was an amazing book, the epitome of the series although there is a book 4 and 5, and a rumored book 6 and 7! For once I shall not give you any spoilers although I stumbled across many on the internet while reading, however I will say, before going the easy route and watching the show. Read the books, there's more IN it.

Breathe!


 

A Song of Ice and Fire: A Storm of Swords - Chapters 56 - 68 (Spoiler alert!)

If you thought the Red Wedding was big... well especially for all those that didn't read the book... Mr. Martin has more in store for us.

Remember what I said in my previous blog post about Melisandre saying that if Joffrey is killed while still safe behind walls, with all his guards present, then truly the Lord of Light is working. However Joffrey lives and thus Davos argues. Well Joffrey falls drops down dead at his wedding, after humiliating Tyrion over and over again. I say, he got what was coming for him, or you can think poor little rich blonde boy. Eh... I beg to differ, he deserved it for no lesson would set him right. In fact after the way he insulted Tywin I would hope it was Tywin who slipped him the poison, but we still don't know who poisoned Tyrion.

Sadly though Cersei is first to blame Tyrion and he is awaiting a trial and for sure execution. The trial goes horribly, because there is no witness For Tyrion, everyone is against him, because the ever so beloved king is dead. They see that Joff beating Sansa was righteous, etc. Come on people this was a King who was a boy, he didn't even FIGHT. The only blood he ever shed was disciplining slaps from his uncle Tyrion. I am glad to say he suffered, and choked and died. How could Cersei spoil a kid so much, ugh. Worst. Mother. Ever! So we shall see about Tyrion's fate. I hope he kills his sister, and gets vengeance.

However this was waaaay bigger than the red wedding... Joffrey is the sickest #@$%#er ever and he finally gets what is rightfully his! Such a relief, catharctic moment. Oh and while everyone is fussing about Joffrey dying, Sansa slips away... but more on her later. Joffrey is dead! Joffrey is Dead! The wickedest King there ever was, the enemy of all of us here in the North is DEAD! Goodness! No one Mourns the Wicked! Ok that was from Wicked - Broadway musical... check it out if you haven't! He's DEAD!

Jaime gets to King's Landing, Brienne is taken in custody cause Loras Tyrell still blames her for Renly's death. Jaime visits Cersei who is crying at the sept for Joffrey and they do it right there. She kind of is weirded out by his hand, or lack their of, and she estranges herself from him. Keeps him at bay. So I hope he got her pregnant just then cause he did EVERYTHING for her, and this is how she repays him, especially sleeping around with other men. Tywin wishes Cersei to wed a Tyrell or a Martell, doesn't matter. Tywin wnats Jaime to renounce the Knighthood, marry and take up Casterly Rock. However, Jaime has had it, he wants to marry Cersei and rule openly, but instead he just says he will never give up knight hood and Tywin renounces Jaime. What a family I tell you. Jaime asks the kingsgaurd after Tyrions really bad trial if they really think Tyrion is guilty, also if they did swear to protect the king, how the heck did he die? So they all give excuses. In the end I feel Jaime feels the "imp" is innocent, and convinces Loras that Brienne is innocent. Whoopdido.

I forgot what Dany was upto... Oh right! She is still trying to en-capture cities, and people are still trying to kill her. Oh and she find out that the two blokes she trusted the most Mormont, and the other dude Barristan Selmy who called himself Arstan, were actually traitors. Mormont fought for Robert once upon a time, and Selmy was a knight for Raegar and then bent the knee to Robert when the House of Targaryen fell. So she's so angry at them, she tells them she never wants to see them again. Also she finds out the Mormont had been sending Varys stories about her, until he fell for her, and then he stopped. She is super pissed.


 Arya is stuck with Sandor Clegane, although the last chapter made you think she fled for him. As the red wedding took place, war sprung about. In the chaos Arya found out 1- her mother and brother were dead 2- she wanted to see them 3- perfect opportunity to run. So she ran. Clegane hit her up-top her head, she passed out. They escaped safely. She took to being a nobody. Then Clegane wanted to take her to the Eyrie which would be good cause... wait for it.... Sansa was being taken there by Petyr! When she escaped after Joff's wedding (ofcourse she was sad to 1-be wed to Tyrion, and 2-that her mother and brother were killed, but glad to escape to WHAT?), Dantos took her to Baelish who then killed Dantos, and they were off to the Vale, so that Petyr could marry Lyssa, the nutty lady! That's the only drawback Lyssa Tully now Aryn is nuts! Arya has it in her head to head to Jon. Jon is infected and delirious about life, and is made Commander in Chief... oops ... Lord Commander of the Black Crows by the maester. In the mean time Sam, Gilly and the baby cross the wall in a secret underground tunnel. They bump into Meera, Jojen, Hodor, Bran and Summer! Fun times. They cross to the North side of the wall, and who knows ... Sam goes back to Gilly?

That's all folks!

A Song of Ice and Fire: A Storm of Swords - Chapters 31- 55 (Spoiler alert!)

Amazon has paired up with Audible to give us these synced audiobooks- to ebooks! How cool right? I mostly listen to the audiobook though, and the narration is great. Because I hear the story (unabridged), its like seeing it in my mind, while I drive, get ready, cook, clean, pack, exercise. I am living this. So closely entwined am I, that the loss of my great Aunt, was in time with the loss of Robb and Catelyn Stark. The Red Wedding, they call it.

What happened was that Edmure was to marry Rosalin Frey, this would help make amends with the Freys. Since Robb marrying Jane Westerling had spurned the Freys so. Anyway Tywinn on his end won the war with letters as he had promised and told Tyrion. He wrote to the Freys, won them onto his side, and then when the wedding and bedding was on way, everyone else was killed. Bastards. (To get over this Samantha Durante - yes the author I recently interviewed- sent me this link which basically has steps to get over the Red Wedding. It helped - buzzfeed FTW). Anyway I'm glad by reading the books, I won't be shocked and surprised like other people who were astounded by the Red Wedding. Ha! Also I will know what happens in Season 4 and 5 and 6! Read!


Honestly what more is there to say? I feel drained of all my energy thinking of this great loss. What's more... Tyrion's POV, Joffrey the King is acting like HE'd done it. Bragging and all proud. He tells Tywinn, "you write to Frey and tell him I want Robb's head! I will present it to Sansa, and make her kiss it..." What a dou@#$bag! Tyrion will not have any of this, so Tywinn sends Joff to bed, literally! Joff retaliates saying Tywinn is a coward or something to that effect. Cersei apologizes on behalf of her son, and Tywinn sends her to bed too! Anyway Tyrion is set to a new task of entertaining the guests, and keeping them from killing each other before Joffrey's wedding. I hope Joffrey gets his, soon. I'd love to give him my own taste of justice, oh yes. Those Lannisters.

Before Robb died he signed a will sort of thing that decreed his heir... I think it's Jon Snow... but we shall see... oh the cliffhangers!

Arya has her own journey, and finally she flees from Sander Clegane who had taken her from Beric Dondarion. So now she's a free bird, except her brother and her mother are dead. Dead and gone, and to her knowledge Bran and Rickon are dead too. Sansa married off to Tyrion, so it leaves Jon Snow in the North. Should she go there. Ofcourse Arya, and no one else, has a clue that Bran is on his way North, and is holed up some place safe with Meera, Jojen, Hodor and Summer. Bran is like Frodo, they are taking the wolf dreams north to the three-eyed crow. By now Bran can slip between Summer and himself really quickly. He sees Jon craven out of killing an old man, cause them wildings have crossed the wall. So Yigrette (who Jon has been bedding ALOT), does the honors, saying "you know nothing Jon Snow". She has a Irish accent, according to the narrator. Jon Snow rides off to Castle Black, or one of those castles by the wall. He meets up with his Black Brothers, and they trust him after he explains to them why he killed his buddy, and on whose instructions. Now they are preparing for the wildings attack. See the wildings strategically attacked the wall at many places, thus spreading the Crows thin (Crows- Black Brothers- Night's Watch). So this will be a cluster fudge.

Davos receives a letter from the Night's Watch, and guess what he learns! Oh the wildings are crossing south. Blimey, he says this is too troubling, and puts the letter away. Yeah lets ignore the important stuff since we live on an island. In the mean time Stannis discusses with Melisadnre, his wife, and Davos ... Davos is now his hand... whether or not to sacrifice the Robert Baratheon's Bastard (the one who was at Storm's end and Davos saw his taken by the shadow etc.) to give life to a Dragon. Kind of like how Dany had done. Previously Melisandre had done a spell to have the Greyjoy King killed, Robb Stark Killed, and Joffrey Killed. So far two are dead. Joffrey remains. Melisandre says - imagine if Joffrey is killed while he is safely behind his walls, with guards... that would truly mean the lord of light is at work. I hope she does it!

Dany is winning city after city... yes she bought an army of Eunochs and then had them kill their masters. Then she has been conquering all.

Here are some good maps:

Essos (Essos on Left) and Westeros

Westeros

Jaime gets away from Harrenhal after striking a deal with Bolton. Bolton and Frey (REMEMBER) ganged up on the Starks, so they aren't good. Jaime leaves without Brienne, leaving her to the Brave Companions, however he goes back for her, and they travel to King's Landing together. Which is decent of him, he only does this, because 1- he has lost a hand 2- he's been having bad dreams 3- in his dreams only Brienne remains to protect him.

Oh Sam! I almost forgot Sam! He was caught up in the whole take over by the wights at the camp. Then he got to Caster's Castle, and there there was a mess, and the old Bear Mormont was killed. He forgave Jorah before he died. Then Sam took Gilli, and was heading to the wall, when they were surrounded by wights again, and a man on a Stag or some sort of Deer creature rescues them. My guess or prediction is that he is Benjen Stark or a OH RIGHT... ELK!

So that's the big news so far!
Another 25 or so chapters to go!

Breathe

The Morbid, Morose and Macabre

Winter is Coming... with winter comes the long night especially in the north. Darkness, cold, oldness, shadows, illness and death. One never knows when that darkness will creep up on us. It's always there lurking, and sometimes the sunshine keeps it at bay, but even the sun can be dark. At times.

Recently, I witnessed the love of my life grow pale, and ill in the matter of minutes. He fell upon the floor retching, in pain. I was in a fright, my Ryan, helpless as much as I felt helpless. He recovered quickly a few hours and a day later. The darkness crept, but it was for someone else.

Monday afternoon, a day and a half later, my mother informed me via a text message that my great aunt (middle sister to my maternal grandmother) was in bad condition. I wrote about her in 2011, when I visited her during a business trip to Kolkata. What a woman she was before, how she suffered, and now she is gone. I should be happy she is free, but I mourn my own loss: who will cook for me? Who will make begun bhaja (fried eggplant) and roti (Indian bread) for me? Who will great me with excitement and a major hullabaloo?

I've never lost anyone so close, other than my doggies. Although she suffered seven years, this came as a shock. She was an amazing person, not a word of English but so warm at heart. She had no need or greed, but lived a simple satisfied life. People are what mattered. People and simple joys. Her cooking was exquisite, just like the rest on that side of the family. I can't imagine losing a sister. My sister spends time with my grandmom (dida) and she is shattered. Mejho Dida (my great aunt passed) proves that we are all we have... forget all the other useless material stuff on earth. We need to be good to each other, there for each other, we have time together and then we are gone. How will you spend your time? Are you grateful for the people in your life? The people who have touched your life? Say thanks now before they are gone. I wish I could have talked to her...

She was cremated last night, as the rains flooded the streets of Baranagar, Kolkata. It was a task, getting her to the crematorium, so I hear. For seven years she suffered, and now she was set free to peace, in the rains. Today it rains here so heavily. Does the earth reciprocate our tears? Wishful thinking, but rather blissful... the stormy sky looming, the thunder, the grey gloomy clouds blotching out the sun: it feeds this morose feeling. I add the Requiem Mass in D minor by W. Amadeus M. to breed the melancholy even further. To the tipping point, that I celebrate her life and death in the music, and weather nature has provided. I embrace it as a part of life. I relinquish my needs, my selfishness, and let go. I meditate upon it all: emotions, happenings, family, relationships, memories, illness, health, life and death.

Loss could happen, anytime to anyone anywhere. We can never protect ourselves from it. The impermanence of life: it is but as fleeting as a butterfly's beat of a wing. And we think they have short lives. Best we prepare ourselves earlier on, by remembering impermanence. Remembering to stay compassionate and loving, cherishing our bonds of attachments, that are impermanent, nevertheless remaining grateful.

The sweet baby birds do grow up to become cold blooded killers of innocent earth worms... then we reach the Sanctus: Benedictus and the Agnus Dei, and we see the glory, peace, mercy and acceptance. The sun peeps out. Life goes on. Learning to absorb, embrace and accept the macabre, the morbid aspects of life. The roses do wither and die. Breathe.



Sometimes, though, Breathing is just not enough.

So live!
 
and Breathe... mindfully so.

The storm approaches

some enjoy the rain

darkness falls

storms even engulf royal palaces

others are carried away by the rains...

An Autumn Blessed with Many Life Lessons

This month has been one of many many lessons.
Through grief and sorrow, pain, stress, caring, sharing, loving, many a tear, hugs, goodbyes, prayers, loneliness and togetherness; I have made it through.
The sky has been much grey, of late. The sky weeps many tears down to earth.
The trees are naked, all unclothed.
Fall has always been majestic, dreamy, eerie, and even dark.



Looking back:

My grandmother gets progressively ill, and makes no sense on the phone. The sound in her voice says she was crying out for help and mercy. My Father leaves to India, fearing it may be too late. She holds on and he gets there, and she barely recognizes him. He takes care of her and spends much needed time with her, as I balance spending time with my mother who is a little ill due to a cold, and with my boyfriend, who has some health issues himself. After a few days, my dad gets burnt out, and needs back up, as he is at a loss when it comes to geriatric care, however he is managing and is so humbled to be doing so. He emails my sister and I often with notes on how he feels, and the entirety of the experience.

It is the weekend of Durga Puja, the celebration of the Divine Feminine and we celebrate it reluctantly with cousins here. Durga Puja is the main reason my father decided to go to India, to spend it with his mother and celebrate with her.She is unable to celebrate, but he find time to go back to our remote village of Kudra, to observe the festivities there. He tells us in an email, that the people there have so little, but have the biggest hearts, and their warmth is overwhelming. That's the best type of people right?

My mother departs for India and reaches their safely. She is strong and gets on top of things, but the conditions are harsh, and one can get burnt out quickly. I have health issues of my own, which I had been putting off for a long time, and finally I get my appointment after a month of waiting. This doctor is amazing, thorough and personal. She goes over everything with me, my entire history of health to get to the bottom of this problem, this pain, once and for all.

I speak to my uncle, my sister, my grandparents in New York everyday. I don't realize how often I call my mom and dad, until now. Facing these health issues alone, really suck, but it is something we learn to do, or don't. Hurricane Sandy comes and blows through the East Coast... I lose touch for two days from my sis, uncle and grandparents. Anxiety levels rise. I really miss them, and I am in utter pain, it is rather crappy. Who do I reach out to? I have no energy to laugh, love or even pray... I finally was able to cry myself to sleep last night, and what a relief it was to let go. oh what a heavy burden was lifted. I realize that happiness and satisfaction is not through material things or wealth... but the decisions we make in life regarding, loved ones (family and friends), health, awareness and growth in spirituality and truly caring and sharing.

Today I sang some lovely songs to myself and I felt much better, and I was finally able to pray. Praying is something new, I been learning to accept the possibility of a Higher Power, thanks to "The Artist's Way". It is slow but steady progress, and it's so good to be able to love again. There was a drought due to the sadness I feel through empathizing for my my grandmother in India, my dad's feelings as he is present for her, my mother's feelings as she goes to make peace and forgive a demented little old lady, and ask for her forgiveness in return.

A deep reminder that Karma does exist... the decisions you make today weather big or small, will come back to haunt you later in life. Be mindful, be patient, and value the people in your life, more than anything else in the world.

With their tanks, bombs and guns

But you see, it's not me, it's not my family.
In your head, in your head they are fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are crying...

It's been a long time since I heard a good song with powerful lyrics... At first the band The Cranberries' song "Zombie" (1994) seemed redundant, and she had the weird accent; but as a kid it made me realize what they were singing about, and I had not seen half as much as I have seen now: of life, living, the world, people and their inherent nature to violence, destruction and death.

I requested Ryan, that we learn a song that has female vocals so I could sing while we played. We picked "Zombie", it's beautiful, has an easy bass, and I love Dolores' vocals; A childhood favorite song. It was difficult to sing a long and play the bass at the same time. This is one thing I will have to practice.

This morning I re-listened to song, so I could learn the lyrics and sing along better. The song brought me to tears, as I paid attention to every aspect of the song - the bass, guitar, drums, the voice, the lyrics, the memories of the music video. An existential question arose - What are we doing to ourselves as human beings?

I've also been reading the Walking dead series, and I just finished book 5, where Rick and Abraham realize that this Zombie apocalypse has made them men that should not be normally accepted, however this is why they are able to survive. They have carried out atrocities for the sake of survival. However I realize we are not in a Zombie apocalypse yet, but are we truly that far away?

We repeatedly engage in war, for WHAT? It's not me, it's not my family... it's OKAY. They can die - they can fight, they can be killed. In your head, in your head...  you justify killing, war, murder, violence it is in your head. Only in your head, and you are actually a Zombie. Zombies are the only ones that mindlessly kill. In this case, humans too. After all we have been through (WW1, WW2 and everything in between, war is the answer... really?

Who won? Who really won?

The zombies did.

The war is over,
The people are dead,
The world is empty
and so is your head.


Will we as humans ever be able to accept peace? Will we ever give peace a shot? or is it hackneyed, is it too idealistic? is it too hippy for this gun toting money loving world? Should we come up with a more trendy/sexy word for peace?

Zombie - the video

The Cranberries

The one's that survive

Children using guns... it's not unknown to us...

My life and what I have witnessed: 1983 - Present


Israel vs. Palestine
Sri Lanka - Birth of the LTTE
Romania
Rwanda
Gulf war
Conflicts in Africa
Bosnia
Pakistan and India - Kargil

Terrorism in India
A Prime Minister assasinated
The Plague
Children killing children
Rape
Murder
Bombay riots
9/11
Anthrax Attacks
Oklahoma City bombing
Murder of George Tiller
America's war against terror - Iraq and Afghanistan
Tibet
Sudan
Somalian war... and many more


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lists_of_wars

My Guardian Angels

Your head in my lap,
you breathe your last few breaths.
I say good bye,
as tears fall from my eyes.

Wish you didn't have to go,
I feel your pain, your parting sorrow.
We are attached so deeply,
I know somehow we will always be together.

I will miss your brown eyes,
Your strange voice, Which I got used to.
You nudging me for attention,
You cuddling up for sleep time.

I will miss you running around,
going crazy, doing silly things,
chasing squirrels, bumping into the door...
When you were sick, I took care of you and would do it all - all over again.

I will always pick dog's drool over cat's fur,
As strange as it sounds I will miss your drool and your longing looks for my food.
You could read my feelings,
From your eyes I knew your moods.

You were my loyal loyal furry friend,
We shared so much without words.
No one can ever replace you,
You were unique, you were my friend, protector, guardian, teacher, guide.
From you I had nothing to hide.

You are gone, but our deep connection will be held in my heart.
And I will always remember it, remember you.


My doggie guardian angels:
Chips, Butch, Twinkie, Orion, Draco, Brooklyn, Snoop, Piko ...