Walking Alone

Although I am blessed with many wonderful people in my life, who love, care and support me there are times I have to walk the valley of darkness alone.

The day when the true test is thrust upon me; and due to circumstances, situations and life's eb and flow, those are moments I face alone. I have to get my own back.

From I seek out friends, family, and help I can get. Sometimes the help comes from the most unlikely source. Sometimes the support I need does not come at all.

These are moments when I see everyone's true colors.

These are the times I realize my own potential, which I hide from myself.

I am ready for the next easy hike, and the tougher climb after it.

Usually I try to use my own images, but lately I have googled some, and this is what I got for "Valley of Darkness" Images. Battlestar Galactica! Made me smile!

Breathe!

Climb to Brighter Heights

Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, things will start looking up (look up to the light); and when things start looking up, it gets your spirits high; when your spirits get high and with a little bit of effort and that renewed positive attitude - more good things will start happening to you. And then just like the saying goes - when it rains, it pours!!
Climb to positivity - it isn't always easy but so worth the honest effort! Try it today!
(I really tried making this with all the right "sayings")

 

 

A Small Reminder

Thank you!

A friend reminding me of what I can endure, accomplish and plan to achieve.

"Look at this: You’ve bettered your relationship with dad, rock climbed, had multiple epiphanies, changed jobs, encouraged multiple people, etc. Need I say more….. All done within a few months."

From the "I can't" attitude... to the "I CAN"!!!

Let us make it "We Can"!!!!
and we will!

I may not be an over achiever, I do not claim to be one; however I always hope to get things done. However sometimes the title is put unto me.

I must get done: work work work!
more writing
reading/studying rocks
travel
better $ management

become a "bad@ss" in general (referring to my Seneca Trip and my bad@ss climbing buddies).

Thank you for the inspiration. The reminders. The encouragement and support.



Smile!

(image courtesy some droid ap)

Aliens and Hexes

As a child, I always loved climbing stuff. Maybe humans have a natural inclination to climb. I climbed buildings, football goal posts, trees, walls, rocks/boulders etc.
Then somewhere the climbing stopped as it was inappropriate all of a sudden.
I wanted to start climbing again when I saw the rock wall at the University of Akron and wanted to get in shape to climb. I thought it was all arm strength. Little did I know it involved so so so much more.

So I wanted to have a strong upper body, but it was actually the whole body, mind and spirit. It all had to be in tune in sync with each other - this is what I learned much later.

I finally began climbing in 2009. I would do easy routes at the rock gym. I bought my own shoes and harness, but didn't learn to belay until 2011 summer. Therefore I really got into it in 2011. In 2009 I didn't push myself, mental conditioning was lacking a lot, technique lacked, and didn't handle the challenges enough.

As of 2011: I climbed outdoors, indoors and have see and experienced great heights. Mental conditioning - there is no end to that. Our minds are brilliant yet we have a lot of barriers to overcome. It is much like the matrix - you HAVE to "free you mind" so you have to get over the fact that "I can not" and just do it, because you can! (there are many proofs that one CAN do it, no matter what).

Seneca rocks - The beauty and intensity was mind numbing. I'm still reeling from the experience which I loved, but filled me with a 1000 different emotions, all as intense as the other... love, hate, anger, frustration, fear, self loathing, determination, exhaustion, warmth, cold, dread, fear, dread, love...

I was nervous the whole trip... irrational fears filled me: KKK, aliens, satanic worshipers... yes... I was "fear vomiting", cause I knew I would be stressed by the exposure of the cliff face we would be climbing. We were studying the book of the routes, self saving techniques, etc... funny thing was both aliens and hexes were mentioned on the same page (Seneca Rocks Climbing Guide). So the book makes it sound easy, but you know reality is different. Reality! Its just not a climb, its you, your mind, your body with the earth - doing together, getting to a higher place of consciousness and overcoming obstacles which include the above (your mind, body, spirit and the earth).

I also had a deep drunken conversation with Keith about eating animals, vegetarianism... which gave me a lot to think about and question, about respect, love, friendship, life and death. YES this is LIFE! We think about what nourishes us, where it comes from, it makes us do what we do, and we need to respect it (the food), ourselves, and our bodies.

So in tune with nature, body, mind and deep deep feelings, thoughts, beliefs... = Intense and beautiful.

The beauty and the intensity made me shed a tear or two, but I know its a catharsis I still need to face and let flow.





Breathe.

Changes Occur... Like Seasons

So I feel like it has been ages since I wrote a blog.
It is almost fall.
Things have changed in my life.
I have changed my life.
I decided to change.
Then everything changed.
However I realized it is a lot of hard work.
Exhausting.

It takes persistence. Determination. Perseverance.
Now i realize it takes will. courage and that desire to follow through.

I am tired. However, I will not quit.

I will be like "the little train that could".
"I-think-I-can. I-think-I-can. I-think-I-can"
and if i pursue and keep at it and chug chug chug all the way up the mountain, one day I will be saying "I-thought-I-could. I-thought-I-could"
and "I-knew-I-could" and I will use that power to keep climbing higher hills.

If we give up at hill one, then we are stuck in the valley and never see the view from the summit. The lovely panorama. The mind blowing, eye opening vista that keeps us climbing up more mountains.

So keep climbing, and don't stop. Don't settle for the valley, but enjoy the journeys,experience the seasons and views. It's all one. Don't stop at one place. Accept the change and seek for new.


Find time to relax - breathe - smile!

<3 <3 <3

The Tigeress

Your words made a deep impact. I don't know how or why, they inspired me, and hit me hard where, like you knew where to aim. I was impressed. More over I was inspired. Yes the fire began burning again, and I knew what I wanted... from MY life. And what I wanted from and for the world.

You showed me my inner secrets, my inner power - The Tiger in me arose... no more whimpering cub. You took down your wall which protects your heart, and showed me where it hurts; I asked you for patience and you gave me my space... you told me I needed to be stronger, assertive, confident in me. I dont know how or why, but it helped. and Here I am.

you were gentle, you love me, my support system, my best friend, like music does love and life flow...

I am a Tigress, see me run, hear me roar.

Thank you for the many experiences, the love and the memories!

Letting go of the past, embracing the new...


OM

Breathe!

Unemployment & Angst

2008 December I graduated! Great hopes and dreams.

I was set on beginning my PhD. However a strange job opportunity came my way and it was once in a life time government super sweet job. I thought I had it, they made me think I had it... and alas boom bam! I shake my head in disappointment. Was I a fool? Once again, was I played?
2009 I spend working part time, and I was lucky to have got that job, part time or not. SO LUCKY!
I gained experience, but all year I have kept applying to jobs.
Nothing positive. Out of over a 100 job applications I sent out I only got 1 positive response, and I didn't get that job either because I lack experience. However all the experienced people are "laid off". THey might have a better chance of getting hired.

*rolls eyes*

So here I am fresh out of grad school, a head full of ideas... just being let down, time and time again.

Anger Hatred Fear Depression

and an entire array of completely remorseful and horrid feelings fill me. I'm dying from the inside out. Why, oh why does the mighty lord not strike me down dead? I feel so useless and worthless. Just feelings. So the government is creating jobs ... then why do I not have one yet? I am applying. I am doing everything I can.

Those of you who know me, I am professional, I present myself well, I have experience (interned at places), I am intelligent, and I know my stuff. So maybe I don't have 10 years experience, but heck I am only in my mid 20s.

Frustration. Furious. Fierceness. Fervid. Flaming.

I don't mean to express such rage, but really it is so hard to remain positive. However when they say a door closes... God opens a window.

Well numerous doors have closed for me. I mean many many many many many doors have closed, or many people have closed doors, and not to point fingers but many government jobs (well a computer ranks the applications, apparently. Computers are smarter than humans and very good judge of human character apparently).

Yes I am bitter. Today once again I heard the words that are so abundant and redundant in employer emails to day... repeated "you do not have the required 'score'" emails from a division of the government for a job. Not one email but 7 computer generated rejections. Very nice I would say. So I am bitter. However I found my window and I am going to open it myself, and make the best of it.

Determination, Divination, Discipline, Dedication, Drive, Destiny.

(I wrote this January 8th 2010. I am finally publishing it online now. I believe this is how all the "occupies" feel. I dealt with these feelings, I was underemployed... and now i am working not in the field that I graduated with. I MADE things turn around. We control our lives, our fate and destiny... not the government or some rich fools. Become the Tiger!