The Best Year Yet!

Two weeks ago it was the 1st day of the New Year, and I realized a lot of things. On social media everyone was saying Happy New Year, this will be the best year yet, but I couldn't feel that excitement or joy. Why are people so excited for the New Year? Or are they just happy to be at a party? Life flows, I never really see any clear demarcations, some events stand out more than others. From a financial stand point, sure the Newish fical year begins, but hey we still have to pay bills from last year, etc. So what are we really celebrating?

My boyfriend, Ryan, and I had a quiet New Years Eve together, and we watched Space Balls. In the middle we watched the ball drop in Times Square, New York City. It was another year beginning for sure. He played Auld Lang Syne for me on the guitar, which was lovely, as I felt the frenzy and rush to text everyone I know. Highly overrated. I felt the need to drink copious amounts of liquor, cause that just seems the thing to do on holidays.

I was trying to help me feel excited but deep in my heart I knew the truth. If I thought 2013 was tough, 2014 will be tougher still, it maybe my toughest year ever! There are decisions to make, big changes and let's not forget taking risks. So, here I am trying to feel excited like everyone else, but it was not going to happen. I have this enormous task at hand, which is my path, my life, it's no one else's, and it seems really daunting, if not overwhelming. I have so many goals set forth this year- improving my health, losing weight, running more, climbing more, yoga-ing more, writing more, maybe changing my job, maybe starting a business, maybe switching careers...

This year I turn 31; So far I've gathered I'm not a normal human being. Yep, I'm 31 and haven't "settled down", at all, not even in life. Let's say normal is the net in a tennis court, I'm a little past the service court boxes, the weird and outlandish are at the baseline and the crazies are like where Nadal hits his awesome shots from with those grunts, way back near back-screen where the ball boys await. (anyway in tennis, Olympics and football mode since the Australian open is upon us, and World Cup and Olympics soon to be!) Anyway, I dunno why I can't just settle down, maybe cause there's still so much to see, learn, do, experience, live, explore...

So far I think I've been dealing with what this tough year has thrown at me pretty well, I had to give up drinking, cause it was a major downer, and I need me to pick me up! I was overwhelmed, anxious about this new year, I felt bad that I could not say this will be the best year yet. All I thought to myself was this will be a tough year, and I found myself facing the Moguls skiing; hitting each bumps, gaining speed rapidly heading down hill, obstacle after obstacle looming, and me losing control. I should quit right now, I thought, but it was no solution, I knew, and as I tried to take a turn I crashed. Yep no more drinking for me, I picked up the pieces and realized if I don't flip my attitude it would be the worst year yet, if not just the toughest.

This year has been challenging and will continue to be so, and I am ready for it, although I did shed a tear or two, I know I can handle it. I will drive forward into midfield, maneuver through the defense and kick that goal! It will be a long game, so need to build my stamina, strength, and willpower, not to forget motivation and determination, and I know I will see myself through. And tough does not necessarily mean worst, flip that negativity to positivity. Flip that attitude, kinda like a flip in Aerial skiing, always landing on your feet! Bring it!

I hope everyone else has a lovely year! And I know I will too, now, I know I will.


Breathe!

The Thing About Resolutions...

It's 2014! Happy New Year, readers!

Resolutions? Well I have a few, but the thing about resolutions is after the first quarter it disappears! So why do we make them?

The idea of a resolution is to change our habits, to grow, better, and to make this positive change a habit and integrate it into our being. The thing is if we don't see it as a part of us from the beginning, it's never going to work. One has to be mindful, and conscious of this new aspect throughout the year, until it's an old aspect. Right?

Let's take for example losing weight. People work out for the first 3 months, until they lose 10 lbs! They are like Yay! The thing is then they leave it. The thing about weight loss is continuing with an active lifestyle. Plus eating healthy, etc., as I have mentioned in my other blogs. Kind of like weight loss, lets look at giving up a certain behavior pattern, for something better, ie. being more positive, quitting alcohol. These are tough changes, and more psychological than what a "resolution" represents these days. Instead of trying to become more positive, start by saying I am positive person, and follow through with a positive action. While breaking a bad habit, such as quitting drinking, or coffee, is weaning yourself off it, substituting, and disassociating with that thing (in this case alcohol).

So a resolution is in fact a lifestyle change often, right? Unless it's something like, this year I will connect with my high-school friends, or will go on a vacation this year. Sometimes those too include lifestyle changes, making time for new people in your life, or saving up for that vacation.

Here I am able to finally explain my resolutions:
1) to be more present, especially in the presence of loved ones. This means being more conscious of my actions and behavior over all. I do feel meditation can help me. Staying true to myself too.
2) I will, try to be less attached to my cell phone this year. I will try to curb my Nomophobia.
3) Follow through with my book plans, which means less TV, and less Xbox, more focusing on projects.
4) Lose weight. Going to the gym everyday to get either 15-20 minute work out in, or for a whopping two hours. Whatever the duration of the work out, goal is at least 10-14 miles a week.
5) Eating healthy, it starts at home! I'm going to learn to be happy and satisfied, binge-ing on carrots... actually as my personal trainer says, if you want some cake, have it, 1 small piece, just remember to do the work for it.
6) Save more money, spend less!

Those are my small - big goals! What are your "resolutions"?


Breathe!

Almost 30, Unmarried and Undeniably Happy

If I want a white dress, I'll buy myself one, and wear it! Wedding or not.

I never dreamed of my wedding day, dress or anything. In fact I don't even know if I wanted to marry. Babies? Well they drool and puke. Really! Maybe I was wrongly born as a girl. I have always fantasized about sex!


I think I realized I was different when I was a kid and realized at times I had strange thoughts. For example, I was probably 7 or 8 and I was on a swing with my friends, we were all laughing hysterically. I remember this moment so well, because I had a profound thought 'I'm so happy I could die right now, and I would be satisfied not having seen the rest of what life holds.' Then suddenly I realized my spirit self would see my parents crying. I never like seeing my mom cry, it breaks my heart, she is such a wonderful woman and deserves all the happiness in the world. So although I was OK with dying, I decided it was not right. I asked a close friend during a sleepover what she thought and she told I had some strange ideas and I should not think that way.

As a child of 9 or 10 years I was heavily influenced by my mom and my aunt. Both very strong Indian women, they showed me what it was like to be a modern woman. A woman who goes beyond being just seen and not heard - a woman with a voice. A woman who isn't just a pretty face but a brain as sharp as a sword. I was encouraged and pushed to branch out my knowledge base, to research, to hold opinions on issues... they helped me grow.

Another girl (now woman) who inspired me was a fellow class mate. She was always head-strong, down to earth, logical and practical; her solutions to problems/situations were simple yet it was the truth. We would sometimes talk about what we wanted when we grew up and we discussed at a small age that "marriage" was not really our thing. It might be other people's thing, but we had a different path, although we would definitely like to have a life partner. I forgot about this discussion until recently when she reminded me of it once again. WE had many such profound discussions on religion, atheism, agnosticism, spirituality, life, death, children, women, the world, careers... we were just children then. I wish we could sit and talk now and see if our perspectives have changed. We definitely decided to be as open minded as possible.

Anyway here I am almost 30 and not married. Everyone keeps asking me why I am not married yet, when I plan to marry... And I ask so want to ask "Why should I?" I do not, because I realize getting married and having children is a societal, cultural norm of the world. It is not always pushed upon a man, as much as it is expected of a woman. Most people would not understand my point of view, because it is what we women want, correct? To get married, settle down and have children.

I do not think less of woman who want that. Yes, many older women including my mother, and women my age have told me that getting married and having children is so full-filling, I will regret it someday. However my life has not been perfect, and I do not regret any decisions I have made; I may look back and think I could have chosen wiser, but I am always grateful for the now, and not look back in anger or despair. I do wish people who get married and settle down all the happiness, sometimes I am almost convinced by their happiness that I want that too. Then I remember ME, and maybe it is selfishness in some people's eyes, but I remember that is not what I want. I want more.

People tell me I can have "more" being married, and having children. They do not understand that their road is not my road. I just don't want to take that route. I want to go this other route. I don't want pity, I have a healthy and happy relationship. Lately everyone is talking about the War on Men a rant by a woman by the name of Suzanne Venkar, who says men don't want to marry because women are not women anymore. If women want to get married they need to "submit to their femininity". Yeah well maybe those men need to change their attitudes, and maybe woman need to realize "stuff". And this CNN reporter states it the way I thought it "But she is actually arguing that if men aren't happy, it's women's fault -- for seeking the very same exhilarating sense of autonomy and selfhood that men claim as our natural entitled birthright. How dare they?" (See the full article at The Mythical 'War on men'). Well am so grateful for this guys article, because pretty much states in a round about way, that if men don't want to get married, neither do women.

I am lucky to have a caring boyfriend who wishes me to be strong, to be highly motivated, in fact that is what he wants in a woman. We balance each other out, we share chores whether they are "feminine" duties, or manly duties. We communicate clearly, and cultivate trust and honesty. I now know I have male friends who want more "feminine" women. In fact maybe they are scared of bold woman such as myself. Women like us can not be "controlled". Most men like control... come on man up and admit it! Anyway, although I have this lovely man in my life, I don't see other than financially, what other good marriage will do for us? Will it stop either of us from cheating? Will it prevent illness? If you have a very good logical and practical answer which differs from everything anyone has told me, I would like to hear it.

Concluding as my relatives, elders, and society can not plainly see that for me growing, doing good for the world, having a healthy loving relationship with my man, and just being happy, are enough. I don't know how to explain it to them or make them all see, so I have given up trying to explain. So this is why I am writing this. On the other hand I would like some respect... from society. Quit it! Stop it! Stop with all nagging, the pressure, the questions, the wondering if I am lesbian (and even if I am - SO WHAT?), worrying if I will be OK or happy... There's war in Palestine and Israel and you are worried about me getting married. There's an economic crisis and unemployment and you are worried about the man I am dating. The world is about to seize existing on Dec 20th and you want to worry about MY future! Laughable! It's my life!!! I'm not telling you how to live yours, stop telling me how to live mine!


Breathe!

In a country, in a world where we can be whoever we want to be... I want to be ME! Happy!

So Adding this after I read what George Takei wrote about marriage equality and same sex marriages:
"The core value of marriage is two people who love each other and are committed to each other. It isn’t necessarily defined by gender… You want security for your spouse, whatever may happen, and our laws do not provide that. We want security for when we should pass. I can give you an example: we had friends—it’s past tense now—in Washington, D.C. They’d been together for over a decade. One partner went out of town on a business trip, came back, opened his apartment door and his partner was on the floor…died of a heart attack in his absence. The deceased partner’s relative was a lawyer-brother in Boston from whom he had been estranged. He came and took everything. The laws were against the one that spent more life…They shared their lives and their fortune, yet he lost it all. So this grieving partner lost not only the love of his life, but everything they had built together. There’s that kind of injustice. And this kind of legalistic barrier that we insist on putting up is, to me, unfathomable. In the case of our being incarcerated during the Second World War, we looked different—visually identifiable. But in the case of homophobia, we are literally members of a family. We are sons and daughters of heterosexual parents. We are brothers and sisters. We are literally kin, blood kin. And yet to deny the LGBT member of a family the same legal protections and rights that they enjo…It’s irrational."

It's the only pros/ benefits I see of getting married. Personally I can find the value between two people who love each other and be committed to them despite Jake Gyllenhaal throwing himself at me, without marriage. (Whoa two celebrity references). Yes though in the case of disease and death this marriage goes hand in hand with the law, and thus is handy.

A Small Reminder

Thank you!

A friend reminding me of what I can endure, accomplish and plan to achieve.

"Look at this: You’ve bettered your relationship with dad, rock climbed, had multiple epiphanies, changed jobs, encouraged multiple people, etc. Need I say more….. All done within a few months."

From the "I can't" attitude... to the "I CAN"!!!

Let us make it "We Can"!!!!
and we will!

I may not be an over achiever, I do not claim to be one; however I always hope to get things done. However sometimes the title is put unto me.

I must get done: work work work!
more writing
reading/studying rocks
travel
better $ management

become a "bad@ss" in general (referring to my Seneca Trip and my bad@ss climbing buddies).

Thank you for the inspiration. The reminders. The encouragement and support.



Smile!

(image courtesy some droid ap)

Aliens and Hexes

As a child, I always loved climbing stuff. Maybe humans have a natural inclination to climb. I climbed buildings, football goal posts, trees, walls, rocks/boulders etc.
Then somewhere the climbing stopped as it was inappropriate all of a sudden.
I wanted to start climbing again when I saw the rock wall at the University of Akron and wanted to get in shape to climb. I thought it was all arm strength. Little did I know it involved so so so much more.

So I wanted to have a strong upper body, but it was actually the whole body, mind and spirit. It all had to be in tune in sync with each other - this is what I learned much later.

I finally began climbing in 2009. I would do easy routes at the rock gym. I bought my own shoes and harness, but didn't learn to belay until 2011 summer. Therefore I really got into it in 2011. In 2009 I didn't push myself, mental conditioning was lacking a lot, technique lacked, and didn't handle the challenges enough.

As of 2011: I climbed outdoors, indoors and have see and experienced great heights. Mental conditioning - there is no end to that. Our minds are brilliant yet we have a lot of barriers to overcome. It is much like the matrix - you HAVE to "free you mind" so you have to get over the fact that "I can not" and just do it, because you can! (there are many proofs that one CAN do it, no matter what).

Seneca rocks - The beauty and intensity was mind numbing. I'm still reeling from the experience which I loved, but filled me with a 1000 different emotions, all as intense as the other... love, hate, anger, frustration, fear, self loathing, determination, exhaustion, warmth, cold, dread, fear, dread, love...

I was nervous the whole trip... irrational fears filled me: KKK, aliens, satanic worshipers... yes... I was "fear vomiting", cause I knew I would be stressed by the exposure of the cliff face we would be climbing. We were studying the book of the routes, self saving techniques, etc... funny thing was both aliens and hexes were mentioned on the same page (Seneca Rocks Climbing Guide). So the book makes it sound easy, but you know reality is different. Reality! Its just not a climb, its you, your mind, your body with the earth - doing together, getting to a higher place of consciousness and overcoming obstacles which include the above (your mind, body, spirit and the earth).

I also had a deep drunken conversation with Keith about eating animals, vegetarianism... which gave me a lot to think about and question, about respect, love, friendship, life and death. YES this is LIFE! We think about what nourishes us, where it comes from, it makes us do what we do, and we need to respect it (the food), ourselves, and our bodies.

So in tune with nature, body, mind and deep deep feelings, thoughts, beliefs... = Intense and beautiful.

The beauty and the intensity made me shed a tear or two, but I know its a catharsis I still need to face and let flow.





Breathe.

Changes Occur... Like Seasons

So I feel like it has been ages since I wrote a blog.
It is almost fall.
Things have changed in my life.
I have changed my life.
I decided to change.
Then everything changed.
However I realized it is a lot of hard work.
Exhausting.

It takes persistence. Determination. Perseverance.
Now i realize it takes will. courage and that desire to follow through.

I am tired. However, I will not quit.

I will be like "the little train that could".
"I-think-I-can. I-think-I-can. I-think-I-can"
and if i pursue and keep at it and chug chug chug all the way up the mountain, one day I will be saying "I-thought-I-could. I-thought-I-could"
and "I-knew-I-could" and I will use that power to keep climbing higher hills.

If we give up at hill one, then we are stuck in the valley and never see the view from the summit. The lovely panorama. The mind blowing, eye opening vista that keeps us climbing up more mountains.

So keep climbing, and don't stop. Don't settle for the valley, but enjoy the journeys,experience the seasons and views. It's all one. Don't stop at one place. Accept the change and seek for new.


Find time to relax - breathe - smile!

<3 <3 <3

The Tigeress

Your words made a deep impact. I don't know how or why, they inspired me, and hit me hard where, like you knew where to aim. I was impressed. More over I was inspired. Yes the fire began burning again, and I knew what I wanted... from MY life. And what I wanted from and for the world.

You showed me my inner secrets, my inner power - The Tiger in me arose... no more whimpering cub. You took down your wall which protects your heart, and showed me where it hurts; I asked you for patience and you gave me my space... you told me I needed to be stronger, assertive, confident in me. I dont know how or why, but it helped. and Here I am.

you were gentle, you love me, my support system, my best friend, like music does love and life flow...

I am a Tigress, see me run, hear me roar.

Thank you for the many experiences, the love and the memories!

Letting go of the past, embracing the new...


OM

Breathe!

Things Learnt in 2009

Tolerance - i need to be more tolerant of my sister and she of me. we get on each other's nerves. We are poles apart different people. we shared eachother's lives for over 20 years, we know each other best, though we are separate people. tolerance to love each other and hate each other must be learned.

Patience - to deal with these trying times. to try over and over again for something which will never seem to work out. it seems so taxing and one of the most hardest things to learn. To wait... to anticipate with weary hearts.

Forgiveness - i learnt once from a very close friend that to forgive is like a blessing from a higher force. To cast away one's mistakes but love their very soul is something so deep, and a mystery to many people. Some have mastered it. I patiently try to forgive. To me mistakes involving one's heart and soul is harder to forgive rather than with inanimate objects which don't matter with regard to the immensity of Everything.

Compassion - passion to live life, work hard and make a difference was always my driving force. however compassion is something i lost. I remember working hard on christmas/season's greetings cards one year. I got so few replies it hurt to send any out the next year. Compassion is similar to unconditional love... its all so tricky... to love the right way is skill or some other word like being gifted.

Discipline - To live in moderation. To me this means to take care of my body. I am lucky to have a good one, which is all too damaged yet with injuries, and abuse. So to treat it with care would be my goal. To pursue things that will enlighten me and help me better myself is another goal, this can be done by focusing, limiting and disciplining myself.

Courage - I shrink after every fall, it takes me a long time to get back up. No matter how hard the fall we should never be disheartened, but spring upon our feet and meet life with full force. EVERY TIME. Have a fiery heart and determination to always get back up.

Confidence - believe in one's self and that alone is all the power you need. Do not be arrogant, pretentious or self righteous... but a confidence full of humility. To be humble is tricky these days, but it is a virtue. Confidence can be achieved with humility, however the balance is tricky.

I shall strive for these character qualities which have been diluted through the many days, journeys and trials i have faced these passed years.

ok this is all. I trust it would be a good lesson for most.

Posted by me in Feb 2009 on Facebook

Then

&

Now