Walking Alone

Although I am blessed with many wonderful people in my life, who love, care and support me there are times I have to walk the valley of darkness alone.

The day when the true test is thrust upon me; and due to circumstances, situations and life's eb and flow, those are moments I face alone. I have to get my own back.

From I seek out friends, family, and help I can get. Sometimes the help comes from the most unlikely source. Sometimes the support I need does not come at all.

These are moments when I see everyone's true colors.

These are the times I realize my own potential, which I hide from myself.

I am ready for the next easy hike, and the tougher climb after it.

Usually I try to use my own images, but lately I have googled some, and this is what I got for "Valley of Darkness" Images. Battlestar Galactica! Made me smile!

Breathe!

Rise

Struggles:

Sometimes just to get out of bed in the morning
To smile when the sky is grey
The driver that cuts in front - steer away from frowning
To talk when you have nothing nice to say.

To love when anger envelopes your being
To find compassion when you scrape through the day
Find the light when darkness is all you are seeing
Fighting the winter blues even though it is almost May.

Being motivated even when there is so much to do
To discipline yourself against all temptations
To run, to move, exercise and to even just get up and go
Patience for all those slow moving situations.

To find beauty in the ugliness
To taste the sweet in the most bitter
To remember our pureness
To turn a bad moment into something better.

To spare your loved ones the brunt of frustrations
To find a peace amongst the chaos
Feel warmth among cold companions
Within the millions to find the "us".

Rise:

We will overcome these and be higher souls
We will be our own warriors
Sing louder than the bell tolls
Breaking all our barriers.


We will strive to day to be better than yesterday
Love endlessly
To be warm and shine: be a brighter ray
Smile continuously.

Smile - For everyday is a new day

Remember -The beauty of life itself

Breathe.

(I wrote this because I was having a hard time being motivated, and a colleague said he had a hard time getting the day started, a friend having a hard time getting out of bed and getting on with life, a friend letting go of the old and embracing the new... Let's remember we struggle with little things everyday but need to overcome them to be stronger and the higher person. Some of our struggles might be bigger than petty everyday ones, but we have to rise above be our own warriors!)

CATHARSIS

The purging of emotion.

Bottled up deep inside

though you have a smile

there is so much to hide

much to beguile.

Passion, Anger, Sorrow and Suffering

Frustrations, Anguish, Confusion, and Repression

Hurt, Pain, Rage a feeling of Chocking

Oppression, Conceal, Suppression....

A moment comes when we decide to let

the emotions that we've buried inside

to burst out, to jet

to flow and exit with the receding tide.

If the emotions make us a bubble,

or a balloon - a small nudge or snip

in the form of an external thrust to hell

can make us snap and pop.

The emotional purge can be beautiful

Sometimes it can be ugly

It can be dangerous to some and harmful

Yet it needs to be done, most definitely.

 Ophelia - Hamlet

Unemployment & Angst

2008 December I graduated! Great hopes and dreams.

I was set on beginning my PhD. However a strange job opportunity came my way and it was once in a life time government super sweet job. I thought I had it, they made me think I had it... and alas boom bam! I shake my head in disappointment. Was I a fool? Once again, was I played?
2009 I spend working part time, and I was lucky to have got that job, part time or not. SO LUCKY!
I gained experience, but all year I have kept applying to jobs.
Nothing positive. Out of over a 100 job applications I sent out I only got 1 positive response, and I didn't get that job either because I lack experience. However all the experienced people are "laid off". THey might have a better chance of getting hired.

*rolls eyes*

So here I am fresh out of grad school, a head full of ideas... just being let down, time and time again.

Anger Hatred Fear Depression

and an entire array of completely remorseful and horrid feelings fill me. I'm dying from the inside out. Why, oh why does the mighty lord not strike me down dead? I feel so useless and worthless. Just feelings. So the government is creating jobs ... then why do I not have one yet? I am applying. I am doing everything I can.

Those of you who know me, I am professional, I present myself well, I have experience (interned at places), I am intelligent, and I know my stuff. So maybe I don't have 10 years experience, but heck I am only in my mid 20s.

Frustration. Furious. Fierceness. Fervid. Flaming.

I don't mean to express such rage, but really it is so hard to remain positive. However when they say a door closes... God opens a window.

Well numerous doors have closed for me. I mean many many many many many doors have closed, or many people have closed doors, and not to point fingers but many government jobs (well a computer ranks the applications, apparently. Computers are smarter than humans and very good judge of human character apparently).

Yes I am bitter. Today once again I heard the words that are so abundant and redundant in employer emails to day... repeated "you do not have the required 'score'" emails from a division of the government for a job. Not one email but 7 computer generated rejections. Very nice I would say. So I am bitter. However I found my window and I am going to open it myself, and make the best of it.

Determination, Divination, Discipline, Dedication, Drive, Destiny.

(I wrote this January 8th 2010. I am finally publishing it online now. I believe this is how all the "occupies" feel. I dealt with these feelings, I was underemployed... and now i am working not in the field that I graduated with. I MADE things turn around. We control our lives, our fate and destiny... not the government or some rich fools. Become the Tiger!