If I want a white dress, I'll buy myself one, and wear it! Wedding or not.
I never dreamed of my wedding day, dress or anything. In fact I don't even know if I wanted to marry. Babies? Well they drool and puke. Really! Maybe I was wrongly born as a girl. I have always fantasized about sex!
I think I realized I was different when I was a kid and realized at times I had strange thoughts. For example, I was probably 7 or 8 and I was on a swing with my friends, we were all laughing hysterically. I remember this moment so well, because I had a profound thought 'I'm so happy I could die right now, and I would be satisfied not having seen the rest of what life holds.' Then suddenly I realized my spirit self would see my parents crying. I never like seeing my mom cry, it breaks my heart, she is such a wonderful woman and deserves all the happiness in the world. So although I was OK with dying, I decided it was not right. I asked a close friend during a sleepover what she thought and she told I had some strange ideas and I should not think that way.
As a child of 9 or 10 years I was heavily influenced by my mom and my aunt. Both very strong Indian women, they showed me what it was like to be a modern woman. A woman who goes beyond being just seen and not heard - a woman with a voice. A woman who isn't just a pretty face but a brain as sharp as a sword. I was encouraged and pushed to branch out my knowledge base, to research, to hold opinions on issues... they helped me grow.
Another girl (now woman) who inspired me was a fellow class mate. She was always head-strong, down to earth, logical and practical; her solutions to problems/situations were simple yet it was the truth. We would sometimes talk about what we wanted when we grew up and we discussed at a small age that "marriage" was not really our thing. It might be other people's thing, but we had a different path, although we would definitely like to have a life partner. I forgot about this discussion until recently when she reminded me of it once again. WE had many such profound discussions on religion, atheism, agnosticism, spirituality, life, death, children, women, the world, careers... we were just children then. I wish we could sit and talk now and see if our perspectives have changed. We definitely decided to be as open minded as possible.
Anyway here I am almost 30 and not married. Everyone keeps asking me why I am not married yet, when I plan to marry... And I ask so want to ask "Why should I?" I do not, because I realize getting married and having children is a societal, cultural norm of the world. It is not always pushed upon a man, as much as it is expected of a woman. Most people would not understand my point of view, because it is what we women want, correct? To get married, settle down and have children.
I do not think less of woman who want that. Yes, many older women including my mother, and women my age have told me that getting married and having children is so full-filling, I will regret it someday. However my life has not been perfect, and I do not regret any decisions I have made; I may look back and think I could have chosen wiser, but I am always grateful for the now, and not look back in anger or despair. I do wish people who get married and settle down all the happiness, sometimes I am almost convinced by their happiness that I want that too. Then I remember ME, and maybe it is selfishness in some people's eyes, but I remember that is not what I want. I want more.
People tell me I can have "more" being married, and having children. They do not understand that their road is not my road. I just don't want to take that route. I want to go this other route. I don't want pity, I have a healthy and happy relationship. Lately everyone is talking about the
War on Men a rant by a woman by the name of Suzanne Venkar, who says men don't want to marry because women are not women anymore. If women want to get married they need to "submit to their femininity". Yeah well maybe those men need to change their attitudes, and maybe woman need to realize "stuff". And this CNN reporter states it the way I thought it "But she is actually arguing that if men aren't happy, it's women's fault
-- for seeking the very same exhilarating sense of autonomy and
selfhood that men claim as our natural entitled birthright. How dare
they?" (See the full article at
The Mythical 'War on men'). Well am so grateful for this guys article, because pretty much states in a round about way, that if men don't want to get married, neither do women.
I am lucky to have a caring boyfriend who wishes me to be strong, to be highly motivated, in fact that is what he wants in a woman. We balance each other out, we share chores whether they are "feminine" duties, or manly duties. We communicate clearly, and cultivate trust and honesty. I now know I have male friends who want more "feminine" women. In fact maybe they are scared of bold woman such as myself. Women like us can not be "controlled". Most men like control... come on man up and admit it! Anyway, although I have this lovely man in my life, I don't see other than financially, what other good marriage will do for us? Will it stop either of us from cheating? Will it prevent illness? If you have a very good logical and practical answer which differs from everything anyone has told me, I would like to hear it.
Concluding as my relatives, elders, and society can not plainly see that for me growing, doing good for the world, having a healthy loving relationship with my man, and just being happy, are enough. I don't know how to explain it to them or make them all see, so I have given up trying to explain. So this is why I am writing this. On the other hand I would like some respect... from society. Quit it! Stop it! Stop with all nagging, the pressure, the questions, the wondering if I am lesbian (and even if I am - SO WHAT?), worrying if I will be OK or happy... There's war in Palestine and Israel and you are worried about me getting married. There's an economic crisis and unemployment and you are worried about the man I am dating. The world is about to seize existing on Dec 20th and you want to worry about MY future! Laughable! It's my life!!! I'm not telling you how to live yours, stop telling me how to live mine!
Breathe!
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| In a country, in a world where we can be whoever we want to be... I want to be ME! Happy! |
So Adding this after I read what George Takei wrote about marriage equality and same sex marriages:
"The core value of marriage is two people who love each other and are
committed to each other. It isn’t necessarily defined by gender… You
want security for your spouse, whatever may happen, and our laws do not
provide that. We want security for when we should pass. I can give you
an example: we had friends—it’s past tense now—in Washington, D.C.
They’d been together for over a decade. One partner went out of town on a
business trip, came back, opened his apartment door and his partner was
on the floor…died of a heart attack in his absence. The deceased
partner’s relative was a lawyer-brother in Boston from whom he had been
estranged. He came and took everything. The laws were against the one
that spent more life…They shared their lives and their fortune, yet he
lost it all. So this grieving partner lost not only the love of his
life, but everything they had built together. There’s that kind of
injustice. And this kind of legalistic barrier that we insist on putting
up is, to me, unfathomable. In the case of our being incarcerated
during the Second World War, we looked different—visually identifiable.
But in the case of homophobia, we are literally members of a family. We
are sons and daughters of heterosexual parents. We are brothers and
sisters. We are literally kin, blood kin. And yet to deny the LGBT
member of a family the same legal protections and rights that they
enjo…It’s irrational."
It's the only pros/ benefits I see of getting married. Personally I can find the value between two people who love each other and be committed to them despite Jake Gyllenhaal throwing himself at me, without marriage. (Whoa two celebrity references). Yes though in the case of disease and death this marriage goes hand in hand with the law, and thus is handy.
