Bicycles, Accidents, and Meditation

IIt has been over three years since my bicycling accident in 2009 (read about it here), and I had no idea how much it still affected me.
I took up riding again, well even looking at my bicycle a little less than a year, after it happened. It took a lot of courage to start riding again by pedaling down the drive way. Since then I had biked only on the sidewalk or the Towpath trail, and most of it was flat or very gently sloping... never any paved area like those hills.

This past weekend, Ryan and I decided to explore the All Purpose Trail, that runs through, connecting all the Cleveland Metroparks. This is the "Emerald Necklace" of Cleveland; we were at the Redford Reservation of the Necklace. We had never biked here before, the only one we have biked is Hinckley, and the Towpath part of Brecksville. Both are very mild when it comes to hills. We began at Hawthorne Parkway and Richmond Road, and biked West towards the main reservation.

We biked the eastern portion of the Bedford Reservation, which was mostly flat, and ever so slightly sloped, enough to get that little uphill workout; entering the main reservation with a sharp turn to the right, and the trail here is all shady! The trail here was a bit more hilly. With wide curves that hugged the road.

When we finally neared the "Bridal Veil Falls" parking lot, I had a panic attack going down the hill. The hill here is steeper than the previous ones with a sharp curve almost. The trail touches the road here. Ofcourse the hill is steep here, this is where the river cut through the land. I didn't peddle, and the bike sped up, building up momentum. I checked my speedometer, it read 23 mph, the trail and the road were one at this area, and the cars were flying past. The situation made me recall that day, the feelings right before the crash, I stopped midway up the second hill, and began dry heaving as nausea and something ugly tied my stomach up in knots. I kind of froze, and could not stop tears from running down my face. I walked the rest of the way up, as Ryan had already reached the top of the hill, using the momentum from the ride down to get easily up the other side.

I couldn't ride anymore. I was having a hard time breathing, like asthma but something else was crushing my chest. I don't want to remember that moment, cause it was like utter fear had clutched me... and it was JUST A HILL. The accident back then in 2009 was funny now, so WHY was I so afraid?

Ryan talked me back on my bike, and helped me calm down. We decided to turn around, for we had 5 or 6 miles back to the car. So I took the ride down the hill slow, and by the time I was half way up the crest of the next hill I threw up. Ryan says it was like out of a movie... I threw up as I halted. I can see it being funny, but my lungs, my muscles and my mind were still writhing in fear. I felt sick. Ryan made me drink some water. He talked me somehow on to my bike again - reasoning, logic, calming me, going over a strategy to get over and around the fear. Whatever he said helped, and we biked a few hills, and went down a few, until we came to a place where there were monkey bars. I love monkey bars, so we did a few rounds of them.

While swinging, and moving across the monkey bars using only my arms, I remembered why I loved to climb. I also realized what I needed to do to get over this residual stress caused by the traumatic accident (also known as PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome): Meditate on it. I got over my fear of heights by climbing, meditating on it and taking it slow. However biking, can't really take it slow, so I have to meditate on speed and control.

Ever since the accident I've been less sure on my bike, more shaky and full of self doubt. I was much better before, and I am getting better. Practice, meditation, and whatever other therapy it takes others to over come it, how can I forget, a little help from Ryan! This is something I must work on if my far fetched dreams are ever to be achieved. Which got me thinking is there any therapy for recovering bikers? There has to be since biking as an activity has increased over the last 10 years.

I've loved biking since childhood, it was always an integral part our daily activities for my sister and I. I was not and am not willing to give it up on account of an accident. Although before I was less inclined to wear helmet, and other protection, now I realize how a camelbak - back-pack and bladder can protect the spine, and those silly looking helmets can save my life. I hope to make more memories on my bicycle, as I remind myself with memories of how awesome bicycle has been throughout my life!


Breathe!

and meditate!

The Terrifying Birds

If anyone knows me well, they know I love animals and have a special place in my heart for birds. I love birds so much that I even did my thesis on "Population Change of Ground Nesting, Migrating Bird in Northeast Ohio", I was told it was a stupid thesis topic. Bird enthusiasts will disagree, birds are an amazing natural indicator of what is happening in our world.

I have loved birds (and animals) since I was very young. I began bird watching, which i was teased about later in life, when I was in 5 or 6th grade, going out on excursions to very exotic bird sanctuaries in tropical southern India. I was so lucky, all the birds I saw. I am yet to get my hands on really good binoculars though I still bird watch. I hope to get a telephoto lens to capture these loves of mine in flight, nesting, up on their high perches, and gracefully gliding over the lake... *sigh*

Birds are amazing we learned how to fly from them, and have so much more to study and learn. They are a big part of our eco system even though they may migrate, or just eat bugs. Birds rock! Near me we have a regularly nesting pair of Bald Eagles, many a Great Blue Heron rookeries. One bird that has eluded me time and time again is the Cerulean warbler, which is also on the endangered species list. It travels from South American Peruvian Alps, to Ohio every year! What a trooper!

Hard to spot this pretty fella

One bird I am in love with is the Indigo bunting, I saw it first when running, in Florida, the painted bunting is a sight to see. If you go to the Loxahatchee Wildlife Refuge near Boynton Beach, there are apparently tonnes by the visitor center early in the morning.

Everyone thinks birders are weird, but we share a passion for passively observing animals. Yes the movie "A Big Year" is very very accurate in portraying birders, however with added humor and drama. We just love looking for birds, the thrill is in seeing what you have studied about, seeing this creature who sees no countries, but the skies, trees, and two very different places are its home. This creature is a true traveler, traveling light, solo or with family, through many a peril, it gets home to the same branch with no street address or mail box... What a wonder.

Now you know I love birds, however I am sad to say I accidentally killed one, a turkey vulture. I was going 80 mph on the highway through West Virginia, and this bird decided to just land in the middle of my lane, and I could not change lanes because a car was in close proximity in that lane behind me. It got hit.

With a wingspan of 160–183 cm (63–72 in), a length of 62–81 cm (24–32 in), and weight of 0.8 to 2.3 kg (1.8 to 5.1 lb), this is no small bird... but a predatory raptor.

It's not a pretty bird but it didn't deserve to die. I have been reading the Mahabharata and learned that things happen for a reason, maybe it had killed a baby bunny. Who knows. I still mourn this bird. You might think - "Oh silly girl." It was a life, a friend, a creature that I love and now it's mush. The bird did jump in the middle of the road though, and I was as helpless as the bird. There were two other people in the car, so I had to do what was safe for the humans, cause that is what normal people do.

When I drive alone, I do break for birds, squirrels, and other creatures that decided to cross the road. Recently a lot of birds have been "suicide flying" or "suicide landing" ie. landing in the middle of the road, or flyign really low in front of on coming traffic, or walking across the road! Yes birds have been doing this more often, especially its spring now so they are all in heat, so maybe they are a little nuttier than usual. It's made my driving terrifying. I do not wan tto kill another one!

I really appreciate when people break for animals... because it is their world too, we built the roads through their habitats, their homes. So even though it takes maybe 5 minutes or less for the squirrel to cross or the duck and her brood to cross, then its 5 minutes. We live so rushed these days, so wrapped up in our lives, and what we do, we forget there are other people and animals going about their lives as well. Slowing down every now and then, and more often too, does not hurt. Someone once told me, nothing is worth rushing and putting other people's lives at risk due to your rush! Especially your own.

So yes the birds will land in front of me, and wherever they want and I will breathe, break and wait. Patience, ahimsa, and kindness, just small things we need to remember, remember when you are wondering why the car in front of you slowed down or braked.





Breathe!!!!

CRASH!

Every so often, we experience something that breaks us down, and then we pick up the pieces, and figure out how to put ourselves together. I call this growth. I build a stronger and matured ME, until the next time I am forced to regroup and rethink my personal life strategy, goals, approach, and self.

Every single time I have had a car accident in my life, my sister has always been with me. When we were children my sister and I were in a car and playing a game in the back seat, when our car was smashed between two buses. Then again we were together, returning from college, in my little Toyota Passeo '92, when a guy rear ended us at a stop sign. The Toyota Passeo came to it's end when she was driving it, and I was following in a different car, at a distance, and someone T-boned the car. It was the scarey, for I heard it all on the phone. The car saved her life, and the lives of friends. Then this past Tuesday we were heading up to Cleveland to install some art, protesting against gun violence in the US, with friends, when I drove into a construction cone, the speed and angle was enough to do damage to the car, but we were safe. And we were there for each other once again.

We proceeded to install the art, and driving through Cleveland, without one functional mirror was difficult, and after traveling and working all day, I was about done. I experienced a catharctic moment and all this vile negativity, and darkness was purged from my system, and my sister had to witness it. We forgave each other, ourselves, and I was able to slowly recuperate.

It is only by passing through the darkest night, and the darkest hour, will we ever see a shimmer of light, a twinkle of hope, and smell the magic, of life. My sister and I, like all siblings, argue, fight, don't see eye to eye and have to come to an understanding. We have a lot of healing to go through together, and the journey so far is, although turbulent, lovely. I would not want to go through it with anyone else. I am glad to be there for her.

One day we will be able to look back at our darkest hours together and laugh at it. We will use our love to change the world into a better place, because that is just who we are. We go through touch periods, but we are mindful to focus on love, light, learning, and laughter. We wish to help others and teach this to them too.

The needed $300 worth of fixing, but I will work hard to pay that bill. My sister and I were safe, and material things come and go, but life does not. We mean more to each other, even with out whining, bitching, crabbiness, than without each other, and all the light in the world. After all the crashes, after all the break downs, we have grown so much, and been there for each other, and that's what counts the most.

Breathe!

shattered glass, only to be rebuilt a new

we do love each other dearly!

lesson learned

Life is precious, life is beautiful, and this planet may be the only planet with life out there in the universe. Life can be done away with in a flash. Paramedics and doctors save lives. Yet we squander life away... smoking, eating unhealthy, being totally callous towards our bodies... then there is the fact we kill each other for the most DUMBEST reasons in the UNIVERSE. Yes killing in the name of _______ be it religion, resources, or jealousy are just DUMB reasons.

So I realized I could have been close to death when a normal, uneventful but sweaty +/- 25 mile bike ride became a day to remember, for those people in my life. We were riding STOMP (which is a biking program organized by the Summit County Metro Parks (which I am also a former employee of) on 5th Sept 2009. I had my brand new $400 Diamondback - Clarity - A Performance Hybrid Bike. light weight and built for speed. I was wearing a helmet because STOMP requires you to.

All day I was complaining about my helmet and how dumb and stupid it was. I had my camelbak for water/powerade. I had my cell fone in the back pocket of my bicycle shorts. There were a lot of hills on the ride. Riding with me were Renee, my close friend, her boyfriend Mark, and Paul. We started sometime after 9:30 hours from Howe Meadow, Cuyahoga Valley National Park. There were a lot of Uphills. Considering I helped Mark plan this new 25 miles route in 2007 when I was the GIS/Planning Intern there, I should have seen the hills coming. What goes up must go down... and what goes down must go up... so there were many such hills, very very tough hills. Sometimes we walked up the hills. The Maple leaf Mascot took a picture of me!

We met at all the "fun stops" and had refreshments. We were on out last hill, and coming down I knew we would be at the end. 26.5 miles done, .5 miles to go. I was thrilled... and then down this great finale of a slope I lost control of the bike. 26.5 miles and 26+/- miles per hour down this hill!!!!I was just very excited to be done, and the speed was exhillarating. That's how we should live life! It was brilliant, like the triumphant note of Mozart's masterpeice... and then I felt my bike wobble...and wobble again, until I could not control the wobbling anymore. I braced myself for whatever impact I would encounter...

and then I opened my eyes.

For all great feats, deeds and things there is a fall... so I fell but after a few seconds, I realized I was still alive then Paul was by my side. (13:20 hours) He asked me if I was alright. He told me not to move... but i got up and out of the middle of the road. I asked him if I could lay down, and he said yes. At this point I must have had a TON of adrenalin pulsing through my veins. My cell fone was intact. I told Paul to get my bicycle out of the street. He was awesome. He was there for me a lot. Poor boy. Then we were deciding who to call. He told me to stay awake and not to fall asleep at all. I was just laying there analyzing my body and state of affairs. I have NO idea what my health insurance covers, I was very reluctant to call 911, but it seemed the right thing to do as I felt the right portion of my head swell into a big bump. But the Science Fiction nerd that I am I thought I was Morphing into the ALIEN that I am! :-)

Paul called the shots, but I was lying there and decided I could bike back to Howe meadow. That he would NOT stand, and called some special number and then came some paramedics or CPR trained people, who felt my whole body and asked me a TON of questions. Then the park rangers came, and I was looking at all the people around me, as everyone told me to stay still, and I noticed a recognizeable face. It was Chief Shepard from the Summit Metro parks Rangers!
I said "I know you"
He said "She might be delusional"
I said "No I was the intern last year for Mark."
"Did you see Dave then at the field?"
"I didn't reach there, did I!"
"Yeah, I'd ask how you're doing but ..." and he smiled.

Then the EMS team showed up and asked me a ton of questions, and I was very tired of spelling my name. Very. Paul contacted Renee and Mark and told them about the situation! I love Renee! She arrived and said "Priyanka now what did you go do?"

There was then the decision of going with Renee and Mark, or With the EMS. I was sitting up now with an ice pack on my head. The ice felt good. To Ambulance, or not to Ambulance, that is the question..."

Hamlet's Soliloquy in Hamlet Act 3 Scene 1 shows how I felt with that decision... my life lay in the hands of ME and my decision of to trust the EMS, or trust myself and go with my trusty friends. In the end I was dizzy sitting, so I figured with the EMS. Also he said I could get paralyzed, I could Die etc. And Paul and My dad told me later that they thought of some actress who died because she did not go to the hospital for a head injury during skiing. I know not who this actress was.

The EMS guy LT. McCain! was a sweetheart, but his sidekick did not KNOW WHERE INDIA WAS. :-o And I'm an Indian laying on the stretcher there! It was nice meeting McCain however, he did not look, talk or act like John McCain at all (that can not be said for Lt. Tigh from BSG who looks, talks and acts like McCain). Ambulance rides are NOT fun, and it is NOT fun being strapped down into the stretcher thing, I could not breathe, I could not move.(around 15:00 hours)

Akron City Hospital was nice, I got my own room with a view of a fake sky. I had to pee and I was so Hungry. 26 miles later, and a hospital bed, no food, no bathroom for me until I had my catscan done. IT WAS VERY BORING. After the catscan My dad was there. I went to pee! I was so happy! and then Paul was there! I felt so good and I was so happy! I was ready to go. I had chocolate, crackers and nuts. I didn't get any water, or food out of the hospital... :-( H1N1... I wanted to get out of there ASAP!!!

Dr. Davis pronounced me alright to go, with mild concussion, and hematoma (sp) on my head, and abrasions. I did have a headache.

In the end of it all it was all worth it. Although I did wish I breaked all the way down, however I won't forget it. I realize I have one life, and I can't sit here and wait for death to grip me... I want to GO OUT AND LIVE IT UP. I love everyone!!! Thank You all for your well wishes... but remember Live life with positivity and love. Have faith in yourself and the Universe and all is at peace. Remember to live and do things which you would never do. Do try new things... remember Safety First!
However focus and be a steward of nature.

Worth it?

Is it even worth it?

- to write this blog - does anyone read it?
i write to satisfy myself, but it would be nice for people to read it and get some input.

- to plan trips to places?
and know you could have invested in something you may use over and over again instead.

- to have awesome experiences?
but no one to share it with at that moment.

- to live life in a safe little bubble?
when the whole world just passes you by.

- to love and lose loves many times?
and in the end realize you loved them all and can still find someone else.

- to fall down and get up again?
to know you will fall again probably harder.

- to sleep and dream?
only to wake up in the morning, knowing you'll face the same shit on a different day.

IS IT ALL WORTH IT?

- or is it better to be a monk and realize this is all temporary and we shall all transcend to whatever...



i bet it all boils down to douglas adams' "life, the universe and everything."