It's funny when I think of it, I am a jungle girl. I have always been attracted to nature, trees, the forest, wilderness and Animals! However I was born in the greatest city on earth, brought up in a fairly large Indian city, and then did high school in one of the most populated cities in the World - Kolkata, India! Maybe that's why I always wanted to live on a farm? Or maybe because my ancestors were farmers... It's strange why the open spaces, quiet and solitude have always called me, however I settled into city life just fine too, although it truly was NOT my element.
Over the years I have wondered about BELONGING, WHAT AM I, WHO AM I, and other such thoughts on existentialism. I remember wondering when I was very little 4 or 5... that I could have been anyone, but why was I me? Why wasn't I she, or she or he? That thought process blew my mind, and then I think I got scolded for day dreaming. I did that a lot, I would get lost in my thoughts on thoughts, while missing out on the long division method. Sometimes I regret not paying attention. As children we live, and then some time in the teenage years we're taught to "define our individuality" so then the material world comes into play. Before which, all I wanted was to be left alone with my thoughts and imagination. I liked taking my sis and I into this world where we each had flying horse friends, and we were shapeshifters... yeah! :-P Then by 10th grade we are worried about belonging... I just have to point out, growing up in Southern India, I wasn't very keen on my Bengali heritage, cause that itself made me stand apart. Try explaining Durga Puja to other 2nd graders who are other Indian cultures. Being the only Bong in class at that time, sucked. Soon Becky joined me though!
After being forced to go to Durga Puja, tolerate rituals which I didn't understand, spending 5 days in a different city with overly doting relatives, you become ready to adopt any culture other than the one you are born into. It took many years for me to finally be comfortable, accepting, and fond of my Bengali heritage and all the stereotypes that come with it. I am a Bengali American! I am Me! And I belong to me and the world. Yeah but that Bengali bit!
There we go back to the history of my ancestors, it maybe totally inconsequential to the larger picture of life the universe and everything, however it might have some significance? Who knows! Anyway, my family is from a village in West Bengal, and it is such a "village" in every sense... no electricity, middle of no where, no roads, they still have wells and a hand pump for water, and yes people are poor farmers. It's so beautiful there though, from my memories of this place. Running through the rice fields barefoot, felt utterly natural, even when my foot sank into a warm pile of cow dung... mmm! So natural! (I'm not being sarcastic). It felt like home, although that was my first time there. From big city to tiny village, it didn't sink in till recently. The complete opposites of where I am from, finding the complete mish-mash of "things" that I am and coming to terms with it and finally accepting it all. It's peaceful, or at least humorous!
My father just sent a picture of the village's Durga Protima this year, and she is simple but lovely, and I am glad for my family, and our humble origins, still humbling now. <3
Breathe
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| Isn't she beautiful? Left to right- Gonesh, (bengali pronunciation ok!), Lokhi, Durga, Shoroshoti, Kathik, and Mahishashur somewhere in there, dying! |
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